Romney, Perry to Settle Differences in Naked Mud Wrestling Match

HOUSTON — GOP presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Gov. Rick Perry will settle their political differences by participating in a naked mud wrestling match to be televised live on the Discovery Channel next Wednesday.

The tension between the two presidential hopefuls has been steadily mounting since their last debate. “Their animosity toward one another was apparent to everyone who watched the event,” noted CNN’s Anderson Cooper, the moderator. Cooper said he views the naked mud wrestling match as “the natural next step in the progression of their enmity.”

For Romney and Perry, the stakes are much higher than merely saving face among their supporters. Conservative activists see this as a fight for the very hearts and minds of the Grand Old Party.

“In-fighting among fellow Republicans is counter-productive,” explained Romney, “but we are so far apart on so many issues, there doesn’t seem to be any other reasonable way to reconcile our opinions.”

“That’s when I suggested we settle things the way we used to back on our ranch at Niggerhead,” said Perry, “with an all-out naked mud wrestling competition.”

Romney enthusiastically accepted the challenge, agreeing with Perry that whoever wins the competition will have to accept the other’s points-of-view, no questions asked.

“I look forward to kicking his wrinkled, muddy ass,” declared Romney. “I grew up in the salty mud swamps of Provo, and this is going to be like old home week for me.”

But when he learned of the official rules as disclosed on Rick Perry’s website — “No Weapons, No Clothes” — Romney had second thoughts and insisted he be allowed to “at least wear a skimpy pair of Speedos.”

Perry quickly shot down that idea. “That’s not the rules you agreed to, Mitt,” he asserted. “You’re flip-floppin’ again.”

“I didn’t agree to anything,” claimed Romney. “You’re just wrong about that.”

“You agreed that we’d both be naked, in a big barrel of mud,” said a perturbed Perry. “I really don’t think the American people want a president who agrees to the rules and then changes them.”

“Look, you want us to be naked, I’ll be naked,” said Romney. “I have nothing to hide. I’m just saying that was never a part of our original agreement.”

Romney hasn’t spoken with Perry since accepting the challenge. Representatives from their respective campaigns eventually worked out the details. The match is set for 7:00 pm, next Wednesday at the Roanoke Holiday Inn.

“I looking forward to tacklin’ that city boy and teachin’ him a lesson,” quipped Perry, “and a thing or two about naked mud wrestling.”

“If you ever saw ‘Deliverance,'” he added, playfully. “You’ll know what I’m, talkin’ about.”