Santorum Proposes ID System for Jews

WASHINGTON — In a speech before an enthusiastic audience at the annual CPAC convention, presidential candidate Rick Santorum today proposed implementing a novel identification system to track the Jewish population in America.

“Jews are a precious natural resource,” said the former Pennsylvania senator, “and we need to make sure we know what they’re up to at all times.”

The proposal calls for every Jew to be assigned a unique ID number that would be inscribed on their forearms in “some sort of permanent ink.”

“It will be a priority of my administration to make sure we can find the Jews in this country at a moment’s notice,” said Santorum. “If we face another economic crises, for example, we might need to round them up and find out what they did to cause the problem.”

Santorum insists the program would not be a government mandate. “We will ask the Jews to come forward willingly to get their arms tattooed. I will say, ‘Please Jews, let us attach these special numbers to your arms in a permanent fashion.’”

According to Santorum, “it’s important to be polite when you talk to Jews, lest they kill your first-born child and eat its internal organs for their ritualistic Yom Kippur feast.”

In keeping with his promise of full transparency, Santorum said the names and addresses of all the Jews will be kept online — along with their identification numbers, photographs and annual income — in a database that will be accessible by anyone.

“A nation that cannot identify its Jews,” added Santorum, “is a nation in decline.”