Would-Be Assassins Dissatisfied with GOP Candidates

ATLANTA (TheSkunk.org) — A new CNN poll released today shows 83 percent of would-be assassins are dissatisfied with the current field of Republican presidential candidates.

“I don’t deal in ‘B players,’” complained one would-be assassin, a former bank executive, who refused to be identified. “These guys aren’t even worth getting out of bed for.”

Another would-be assassin, clad in traditional black ninja garb and a Darth Vader mask, who asked that his name be withheld, agreed. “Picking one of them off would be a complete waste of time,” he said, “like playing in the minor leagues. No one wants to go down in history as the guy who took out some insignificant asshole. Our profession already got a black eye with Hinckley – fucking psychopath.”

“All these clowns like to talk about jobs,” noted a short and stocky would-be assassin, who declined to give out any personal information, “but what about my job? The fact is, if any of them gets elected, I give up. That’s it. No more following in my daddy’s footsteps. I might as well go back to selling crack to suburban housewives – or real estate.”

Several of the would-be assassins interviewed for this story said they are hoping for a so-called “brokered” GOP convention in Tampa next August. “We encourage the Republican Party to find an alternative to the current pack,” read a statement from the National Association of Would-Be Assassins and Stalkers (NAWBAS), “preferably someone whose absence from the earth would negatively impact the course of history.”

“Dump the losers!” quipped one would-be assassin, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Show me a candidate whose departure would send the country into years of demoralizing grief, and I’ll do my part to make a dent in the space-time continuum.”

“At least,” he added, “I’ll give it my best shot.”