McCain Proposes New ‘Surge’ Strategy to Win War on Women

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Senator John McCain today proposed a strategy to send an additional 20,000 Christian extremists into American towns and villages, a plan that would beat back a growing feminist insurgency and enable the nation to be victorious in the GOP-led war against women.

“This is not a fight we went looking for,” said the former presidential candidate, who is credited with creating the original surge strategy in 2007 that dramatically increased U.S. troop levels in Iraq, “but when you have a motivated army of women using birth control, getting abortions, and having sexual intercourse at the time and place of their choosing, we have no choice but to engage the enemy, and that’s why we must employ these proven tactics again.”

McCain contends the addition of thousands of religious fanatics barricading pharmacies and blowing up Family Planning clinics will be enough to bring women back into the 1950s.

“We lost in Vietnam because we lost the will to fight,” he said, “and we cannot let that happen in the war on women.”

McCain contends his surge strategy will lead to the repudiation of the Supreme Court’s decision in Row v. Wade and the ultimate suppression of all women’s rights. “America’s best days are ahead of us.”

According to McCain, the definition of victory in the war is quantifiable.

“We will know we have won,” he explained, “when every act of copulation on American soil results in the birth of an unwanted baby.”

McCain believes the choice between abortion and unwanted babies is a “no-brainer.”

“I choose unwanted babies,” he declared. “They’re so damn cute.”