Plot to Slaughter Millions of Turkeys Thwarted by FBI

HUNTSVILLE, AR (TheSkunk.org) — FBI agents shut down an apparent terrorist plot to murder millions of innocent turkeys just prior to the American festival of Thanksgiving.

The suspects were caught off-guard when over one-hundred FBI agents burst into what sources described as “an industrial food processing plant.” They were taken into custody after plans were uncovered to decapitate millions of the large, awkward birds and feed the carcasses to unwitting families.

“When we busted in, we faced a horrifying sight,” noted one FBI agent, who struggled to choke back a few tears. “Hundreds of the fowls had already been beheaded.”

According to reports some of the perpetrators were in the midst of freezing the lifeless, featherless bodies. Others were disemboweling their victims, removing entrails and replacing them with bits of toasted bread and corn, then setting them afire at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for three to five hours, depending on their size.

“The bird corpses were then cooked to a golden brown,” the agent said, “until they glistened and gave off an aroma that smelled something like a club sandwich without the bread or mayo.”

Operating under the moniker “Butterball,” the organization boasted of their plan on social media, where they posted an image of an American family dining on a dead turkey. The photo was captioned: “Let Americans feast on these large headless bird cadavers during their most precious holiday of Thanksgiving!”

The agent shook his head. “Animals,” he said. “No regard for life.”

President Obama praised the FBI for shutting down the terror cell. “The deaths of millions were prevented today,” he said, “because of the fine work of these professional men and women. This sends a strong message to those around the world who would consider coming here to commit a similar heinous act.”

“No one will get away with mass killings of this nature on American soil,” he added. “Except Americans.”