Disneyland to Remove Matterhorn, Replace with Tilt-A-Whirl

Anaheim, CA (TheSkunk.org) – After the Swiss Embassy filed complaints about cultural appropriation of one of their maginifcent mountain peaks, executives at the Disneyland Resort today announced plans to remove the beloved 75-year-old Matterhorn ride from the park and replace it with something that can handle a larger guest capacity, while offering a much shorter ride-time experience for “impatient guests to pass time while the queues thin out for the fun rides.”

The Disney Company denied this decision had anything to do with political correctness. “The Swiss are always raging about something,” said Martoug Freequan, a spokesperson for the Disney park. “First, they wanted their name off our treehouse, and now this. The fact is, we are always looking to increase capacity and cut down on our overall park expenses, and ‘Tilt-a-whirl’ fits that bill nicely.”  Although thousands of these familiar carnival attractions have been in circulation since the 1940s, new ones have not been manufactured for fifty years. “We were able to buy one of these delightful pop-up carnival rides second-hand for less than it costs to replace a bobsled. Our crews are right now in the process of sprucing it up with a fresh coat of Mickey yellow.”

And what will the new attraction be called? “We can’t use ‘Tilt-a-Whirl,’ mostly because it’s trademarked, but also because it lacks the imagination of our other attractions, explained Freequan. “We thought about calling it ‘Mountain,’ to complement our other mountain rides, but — after careful consideration — we decided it just doesn’t look mountainy enough.” Enter the celebrated Disney imagineering team. After weeks of brainstorming, imagineers finally agreed on a title that “pleases the suits on the lot, a whole lot.” 

Upon completion of a highly-tailored marketing plan geared to engender excitement among the public by teasing them with billboards and TV ads asking, “What’s one thing we’ve always been missing?”, Disneyland will finally unveil its new, slightly used, attraction in November, under the clever moniker: “Mickey’s Tilt-a-Whirl.”