LOS ANGELES (TheSkunk.org) — A local man who recently completed an entire book printed on sheets of fibrous material he refers to as “tree-flesh” has reportedly achieved a heightened sense of cultural superiority, according to sources who were forced to hear about it.
The man, 42, says he made the discovery at the estate sale of a very elderly librarian, where he was shocked to discover that many books are manufactured using a “wood‑based fabric,” he described as “oddly like toilet paper, but with more plies.” He believes he has uncovered something “unique in human history.”
He claims the experience has fundamentally changed him.
“There’s something primal about holding a bound stack of cellulose fibers,” he said, gripping the book with both hands as if demonstrating proper form. “It’s like connecting with my ancestors — the ones who read scratched glyphs on the sides of solid rock.”
Friends say he has spent the past week reminding them that he no longer uses audiobooks, e‑readers, or “those inferior TikTok summaries where a teenager explains Dostoevsky in 19 seconds,” technologies he now dismisses as “shortcuts for people who fear growing additional synapses.”
According to witnesses, he now:
- places the book on café tables spine‑up so strangers can see the title,
- sighs audibly when others mention Kindle,
- and refers to himself as “a steward of the printed word.”
Experts are baffled by this discovery, admitting they had no idea that physical books were even a concept, let alone something that existed outside science‑fiction podcasts. Researchers said they were still trying to understand “why anyone would take the time to apply printed ink to slices of poplars when every piece of human knowledge is already available on their smartphones,” and openly questioned whether these “tree‑books” could ever realistically replace digital communication.
One university professor speculates the object may be extraterrestrial in origin, noting that “no modern society would willingly disperse information using pulverized vegetation unless compelled by forces beyond human comprehension.”
The man says he plans to read another physical book “as soon as he finds one with a cover aesthetic that matches his living room.”
