John McCain

CLEVELAND, OH - Senator McCain rejected yet another religious endorsement, today, this time from a battery-operated, talking Jesus head.

Purchased by McCain for 29.95, “The Submissive Jesus” speaks 100 random phrases, such as, “Just wait ‘til your heavenly father gets home” and “Don’t make me mad, you wouldn’t like me when I’m mad.”

Supporters observed McCain bringing the Jesus head with him to various events and fundraisers across the country. “I’ve had to distance myself from so many bigoted religious leaders,” said the senator, referring to his repudiation of Pastor John Hagee, the preacher who suggested that Hitler was sent from God to help the Jews make it to the Promised Land, “I figured an endorsement from a plastic Jesus head with pre-programmed sayings was a safe bet – a way to pander to the needs of the extreme Christian right, while knowing it’s not going to say anything racist, sexist or anti-Semitic.”

The Senator found himself in the middle of another religious firestorm, however, when, during a press conference, the Jesus head began to spew out racist, sexist and anti-Semitic remarks.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said one reporter. “Suddenly, this plastic Jesus head starts saying, ‘Jews control the media,’ and ‘Slavery was good for the economy.’”

Reporters in the room questioned McCain as to whether or not he agreed with the plastic Jesus head’s statements.

McCain responded angrily, saying he should not be held accountable for every declaration made by a plastic Jesus head. But when the synthetic son-of-God asked a female reporter, “If you got a little Jesus head, would you return the favor?” McCain said it had gone too far this time and “wholeheartedly rejected” the Jesus head’s endorsement.