WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — President Obama today outlined his new direction for the space program by setting the goal of faking a landing on the surface of Mars by the end of the decade.
“We choose to fake the landing of a man on Mars and to pretend to return him safely to the Earth,” declared the Commander-in-Chief, invoking the spirit of President John F. Kennedy, “not because it is hard, but because it is easy.”
A spokesperson for NASA said they have chosen producer Jerry Bruckheimer (Pirates of the Caribbean, National Treasure) to create the faux mission. “Mr. Bruckheimer has convinced a whole generation of Americans that 18th century pirates are sacking ships in international waters and treasure maps are hidden in the White House,” read a page on the NASA website. “We feel he is the natural choice for this astronomical deception.”
“By giving the appearance that the United States has landed a man on Mars,” explained the President, “America can keep its dominance as the best in the world at deceiving its own people.”
Neil Armstrong, the first man to have allegedly set foot on the moon, is strongly critical of the President’s plan. “We need to think in a wider scope,” said the renowned astronaut. “Why settle for Mars, when we can just as easily fake a landing on Jupiter — or even a totally made-up planet?”
To fund the hoax, Congress has voted to appropriate $10 billion in fake money as part of a finance package that includes billions in fake tax breaks and fake stimulous spending.
Bruckheimer told reporters he is excited to be participating in America’s counterfeit space program, and has already received commitments from Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan to be the first humans to simulate a visit to the red planet — depending on their availability.
Added Bruckheimer: “Hopefully, they will both be out of prison at the same time.”