Republicans Deny Existence of Mars

Michelle Bachmann and Universe
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PASADENA, CA (TheSkunk.org) — While the scientific community and most of the world applauded the landing of the Mars rover Curiosity late Sunday night, Republicans have been swift in discounting the very existence of the Red Planet, labeling it as “fraudulent science.”

Immediately following the announcement of the Mars landing by the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Rep. Michelle Bachmann tweeted to her followers: “Existence of planet other than Earth biggest hoax ever perpetrated by left wing media.”

“There is no other world out there but ours,” explained Bachmann, “yet alone a big red one that supposedly revolves around the sun and is named after a candy bar.”

Rush Limbaugh was quick to blame President Obama for inventing “this whole Mars thing” as a way to put forth  “yet another failed stimulus program perpetrated by the current administration.”

“This is nothing more than Obama wanting to put your hard earned money into the pockets of his liberal, scientist buddies,” said Limbaugh.  “It’s Solyndra all over again.”

“If there were this big ball of red dust up there in the sky, doncha think we’d be able to see it from our back windows?” asked former GOP vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. “Any school child knows there’s nothing out there but little twinkling lights of unknown origin.”

Former senator Rick Santorum called the whole subject “shameful.”

“First, there was ‘global warming,’” he noted, “and now the ridiculous assertion that there are other planets floating around in outer space.” He called for a congressional hearing into how JPL duped the American public into believing in Mars.

“This is what education has done to our country,” added Santorum, “and  why the liberal agenda of our universities must be stopped.”

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney said the issue of whether or not Mars really exists should be left up to the individual states. “If I am president I will not acknowledge the existence of any planet other than our own.”

When asked straight up by a reporter if Mars existed, Romney shook his head and laughed, nervously. “No matter how I answer, it’s going to be used against me,” he replied, “and I’m not going to fall into that trap.”

“Whether Mars is or isn’t real,” he added, “I agree.”

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