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Today is: Thursday, October 2, 2014

Tag: iran

Ahmadinejad Gets Key Endorsement from Himself

TEHRAN, Iran – Iran’s President  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad formally endorsed himself for a second term as president Monday in a ceremony that sought to quell discontent among Iranians, by declaring himself a leader worthy of his own acclamation.

“I am pleased to inform the Iranian people that I, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, have staked my own reputation to declare myself the undisputed president of Iran,” said Ahmadinejad, “and that I, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, being the best qualified person for the job, do hereby give myself my wholehearted recommendation and approval.”

Ahmadinejad said he is honored to accept the reigns of power from himself.  “I am humbled to consider myself  the greatest Iranian President since Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who proceeded me,” declared Ahmadinejad, “and to receive this profound declaration from such an esteemed leader as myself.”

Ahmadinejad vowed to continue his predecessor’s beloved policies of “global isolation and self-destruction.”

After giving himself his official seal of approval, Ahmadinejad kissed the back of his own hand, in symbolic deference to himself.

Ayatollah Accused of Rigging 'Iranian Idol' Contest

TEHRAN — Iranian Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Khamenei has been accused of rigging the results of the popular TV competition “Iranian Idol.” 

After singer Fazlullah Mehani amazed Iranian viewers during the season finale with his stirring rendition of “More than a Feeling,” fans rallied across their nation, texting hundreds of millions of votes on his behalf.   But when a tap-dancing cleric named Hirad Siyavushi was declared the new Iranian Idol with an astounding 700 million votes separating him from the runner up, Mehani supporters suspected tampering.

Siyavushi’s performance in the finale, a cover of Outkast’s “Hey Ya,” was considered by most observers to be less than stellar. 

The three-judge panel concurred.  Fereydoun Mozhdeh, an executive with the Iranian State Music Agency, said it was “pitchy” in many parts. Kamshad Abd al-Qaadir, the country’s Chief Artistic Mullah, said he hated the arrangement.  British record executive Simon Cowell called it “a weak karaoke version of the original.”

Despite the criticisms, Siyavushi won the “Idol” title with the largest margin in history.

AT&T, sponsor of the popular show, assured fans there was no fraud.  “If we were talking about fifty-thousand votes, or even a hundred thousand votes, it could be conceivable,” said an AT&T spokesperson. “But 700 million? No way.”

Phone company records obtained by The Skunk, however, indicated that most of the 700 million votes for Siyavushi had originated from Ayatollah Khamenei’s own personal Blackberry.

That’s when fans of Mehani took to the streets in protest, demanding their Supreme Leader’s votes be invalidated.

“Mehani should be the next Idol,” said Arezoo Amuzgar, a student at Tehran University.  “That fraud Siyavushi cannot even carry a tune”

“Siyavushi is a puppet singer of the regime,” added Shayan Khakpoor, a professor of political science. “Death to Siyavushi.”

“Death to Siyavushi” was the rallying cry echoed by millions of students in public squares and shopping malls across the country — a threat that hadn’t been used against an Idol contestant since Sanjaya Malakar appeared in the season six finals of the American version.

But the results of the finale remained unchanged.

“It is what it is,” Khamenei told an assembly of loyal followers. “Siyavushi is the new Iranian Idol and you need to accept that. Anyone found demonstrating against the results will suffer the consequences.”

Cowell said there was no rule against casting multiple votes and, in fact, the show encourages it. “If fans really wanted Mehani to win,” he explained, “they could easily have done what the Ayatollah did, and texted hundreds of millions of votes. They didn’t.  Their guy lost.  Deal with it.”

President Obama has condemned the results and rebuffed Khameini’s comments that the United States was “fueling the flames” of Idol unrest.

“We support the right of reality show contestants around the world to win their competitions,” said the President, “in free and unadulterated text messaging.”

Republicans Propose Ayatollah System for U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC – In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government.

“We can keep the showy remnants of our democracy,” explained Gingrich, “while ceding ultimate power to a white male whose God-given Christian authority would exceed that of any elected official.”

The speech received a standing ovation, but the enthusiasm soon gave way to a heated argument over which Republican would be best suited to fill the new Ayatollah role.

Gingrich insisted that he would be the ideal “Supreme Leader,” asserting that he would exercise his authority “in a way consistent with conservative values.”

Not everyone agreed. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin claimed she has the most experience with fascism, because she was once a lingerie model.  She added that having the first female Ayatollah would send a message to the rest of the world that “America is a place where even a woman can rise up to be a self-proclaimed autocrat.”

Countering Palin was RNC Chairman Michael Steele, who pitched himself as Supreme Leader, arguing that a black Ayatollah would send an even stronger message to the world.  “The descendant of slaves is now the chief slave driver,” he noted. “The pinnacle of the American dream.”

Greene’s remarks were interrupted several times with chants of “Ayatollah Rush! Ayatollah Rush!” — a reference to conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh.

Limbaugh joked that being Ayatollah would actually be a step-down from his current position, but it was a sacrifice he would be willing to make if there were no other Republicans up to the task.

Before Limbaugh could expound on his qualifications, he was knocked to the ground by fist-fighting senators Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and Lindsey Graham (R-SC), each trying to prevent the other from claiming the powerful Ayatollah position.  The lawmakers slammed into chairs as they rolled around the ground, exchanging punches. At one point Graham grabbed McConnell’s crotch, taunting him with “Who’s your Ayatollah, now, bitch?!”

House Minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) and Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) presented a proposal allowing Republican congressmen to alternate being the Ayatollah.  Their “Ayatollah for a Day” concept was never seriously considered, due to an apparent power outage, which suddenly cut off the microphone and darkened the ballroom.

When the lights came back on, former Vice President Dick Cheney appeared at the podium, proclaiming himself the new Ayatollah and immediately invalidating the 2008 presidential election results.  “It’s clear that Mitt Romney has received the most votes  —  a landslide of 83 percent,” declared Cheney, “in a fair and balanced election.”

The Republican attendees went wild, pumping their fists in the air, while chanting “Fair and Balanced” in Arabic.

The newly annointed Ayatollah KhaCheney said the balloting had not been rigged, and ruled out any chance for a new vote, lauding the recalculated results of last November’s election as an expression of the people’s will — as interpreted by their new Supreme Leader.

“Your voices have been heard,” he said, “but we’re going with my pick anyway.”

KhaCheney said that President Romney will take office immediately and ordered “the Negro family squatting in the White House” to vacate the premises by the end of the week.”