WASHINGTON, DC — In a speech at a recent Republican fundraiser, former House Speaker New Gingrich proposed that the United States adopt an Iranian-style Ayatollah form of government.
“We can keep the showy remnants of our democracy,” explained Gingrich, “while ceding ultimate power to a white male whose God-given Christian authority would exceed that of any elected official.”
The speech received a standing ovation, but the enthusiasm soon gave way to a heated argument over which Republican would be best suited to fill the new Ayatollah role.
Gingrich insisted that he would be the ideal “Supreme Leader,” asserting that he would exercise his authority “in a way consistent with conservative values.”
Not everyone agreed. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin claimed she has the most experience with fascism, because she was once a lingerie model. She added that having the first female Ayatollah would send a message to the rest of the world that “America is a place where even a woman can rise up to be a self-proclaimed autocrat.”
Countering Palin was RNC Chairman Michael Steele, who pitched himself as Supreme Leader, arguing that a black Ayatollah would send an even stronger message to the world. “The descendant of slaves is now the chief slave driver,” he noted. “The pinnacle of the American dream.”
Greene’s remarks were interrupted several times with chants of “Ayatollah Rush! Ayatollah Rush!” — a reference to conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh.
Limbaugh joked that being Ayatollah would actually be a step-down from his current position, but it was a sacrifice he would be willing to make if there were no other Republicans up to the task.
Before Limbaugh could expound on his qualifications, he was knocked to the ground by fist-fighting senators Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and Lindsey Graham (R-SC), each trying to prevent the other from claiming the powerful Ayatollah position. The lawmakers slammed into chairs as they rolled around the ground, exchanging punches. At one point Graham grabbed McConnell’s crotch, taunting him with “Who’s your Ayatollah, now, bitch?!”
House Minority leader John Boehner (R-OH) and Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) presented a proposal allowing Republican congressmen to alternate being the Ayatollah. Their “Ayatollah for a Day” concept was never seriously considered, due to an apparent power outage, which suddenly cut off the microphone and darkened the ballroom.
When the lights came back on, former Vice President Dick Cheney appeared at the podium, proclaiming himself the new Ayatollah and immediately invalidating the 2008 presidential election results. “It’s clear that Mitt Romney has received the most votes — a landslide of 83 percent,” declared Cheney, “in a fair and balanced election.”
The Republican attendees went wild, pumping their fists in the air, while chanting “Fair and Balanced” in Arabic.
The newly annointed Ayatollah KhaCheney said the balloting had not been rigged, and ruled out any chance for a new vote, lauding the recalculated results of last November’s election as an expression of the people’s will — as interpreted by their new Supreme Leader.
“Your voices have been heard,” he said, “but we’re going with my pick anyway.”
KhaCheney said that President Romney will take office immediately and ordered “the Negro family squatting in the White House” to vacate the premises by the end of the week.”