Google+
Today is: Thursday, October 30, 2014

Tag: vagina

Virginia Governor Changes State’s Name to ‘Vagina’

RICHMOND, VA (TheSkunk.org) — Governor Bob McDonnell Friday announced that the name of his state has been officially changed to “Vagina.”  His declaration comes on the heels of signing into law a requirement that women seeking abortions receive mandatory abdominal ultrasounds prior to the procedure.

“The State of Virginia cares about your vagina,” said McDonnell at a ceremony marking the state’s new moniker, “and that’s why we can proudly say we are now all citizens of Vagina, and why I’m so proud to serve as your duly elected Vaginal head.”

McDonnell believes the name change will remove the negative attention recently directed at his state because of the new abortion law.

“Let the world know that Vagina is a friend to women,” said McDonnell. “Our Vagina is your Vagina.”

To coincide with the new name, the state flag has been redesigned. The two warriors previously depicted inside a circular emblem have been replaced with an image of a colorful, smiling vagina.

The state’s tourism department has already begun rethinking its marketing campaigns. “Come to Historic Vagina,” reads a proposed new billboard ad. “Hike our trails, explore our parks, get an ultrasound.”

The famous “Virginia is for Lovers” campaign has also been changed accordingly.

Not everyone is happy with the new name, however. Reacting to their neighbors to the east, West Virginia officials are considering a name change of their own.

“There can only be one Vagina,” noted Governor Earl Ray Romblin.  “So I think we’re going with either ‘South Pennsylvania’ or ‘East Ohio.’”

A new commercial featuring Governor McDonnell will begin airing next week. “Vagina is wide-open,” says McDonnell in the thirty-second spot. “We invite everyone to come and explore our wonderful Vagina.”

 

Palin Vagina Announces Run for Senate

The vagina of former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced this morning its plan to run for the Senate seat from Alaska in 2010.

The vagina said it is no longer associated with Palin, and looks forward to expressing its own views, independent of the former Alaska governor.

“I’ve been speaking on her behalf for the last forty years,” explained the vagina, who will be entering the senatorial race as an independent candidate. “It’s time for me to strike out on my own.”

Working behind-the-scenes, the vagina alleges it wrote and edited virtually every one of Palin’s speeches without receiving “so much as a tiny mention” on her Twitter page.

“The media dissected every word that came out of her mouth,” noted the vagina, who claims it was also the brains behind the ‘I can see Russia from my backyard’ sound bite, “yet, no one had a clue it was all conceived by me.”

The vagina said it became disheartened with Palin when people started confusing them with one another.

“When people started calling her by my name,” lamented the vagina, “that was it. Sometimes they’d qualify it by adding words like ‘skanky’ or ‘crazy’ – but she never once acknowledged my contributions.”

If elected, the Senator’s first order of business would be filing a lawsuit requiring Palin to use her own words and  “stop repeating everything I say.”

“Sarah’s understanding of the world came from my lips to her ears,” asserted the vagina. “Yet did she ever show appreciation? Okay, maybe once on a very long plane trip to New York – but aside from that, not even a ‘thank you.’”

Madoff Seeks Partnership with Ford

DURHAM, NC — Upon learning that Ford Motor Company posted a surprise second-quarter profit of $2.3 billion, convicted investment manager Bernard Madoff announced his intention to partner with the American automaker to create an energy-efficient all-green vehicle called the “Ponzi.”

Madoff said he will be soliciting investments for the development of the innovative automobile from his cell at Butner Federal Prison.  The disgraced financier laughed that he will be the “ultimate insider.”

Acknowledging that he will be skirting every securities law on the books, Madoff said that at this point in his career, he has nothing to lose. “Oooh, what are they going to do, add another hundred years to my sentence?” Madoff chewed on a finger nail and spit it out. ” I’d be shaking in my custom Michael Anthony boots,” he added, “if they hadn’t been sold at auction.”

Madoff admits there are limitations to seeking investors from within the walls of a federal prison. “People tend to be less trusting,” he said. “But once they take a look at this new vehicle, and all it has to offer, I think they’re going to jump on board.”

So far, he has raised $300 from a guy named “Smack” who told Madoff he should consider it a dowry. “All I had to do was let him pretend my ass was a vagina,” explained Madoff. “If that’s all it takes to get these guys to invest, I’m back in business.”

While Madoff said he expects the new model to begin rolling off the assembly line sometime in 2090, a Ford spokesperson disavowed any connection to the convicted felon.  “We need Bernie Madoff like we need another Pinto,” said the spokesperson, referring to the 1970s Ford model known for exploding upon the slightest rear-end impact.

General Motors, however, hasn’t discounted a Madoff’ partnership.  An executive with the second larget U.S. automaker said his company would consider working with the former Wall Street guru, contingent upon how much money he can raise.

“At this point,” asked the GM executive, “why the hell not?”