DURHAM, NC — Upon learning that Ford Motor Company posted a surprise second-quarter profit of $2.3 billion, convicted investment manager Bernard Madoff announced his intention to partner with the American automaker to create an energy-efficient all-green vehicle called the “Ponzi.”
Madoff said he will be soliciting investments for the development of the innovative automobile from his cell at Butner Federal Prison. The disgraced financier laughed that he will be the “ultimate insider.”
Acknowledging that he will be skirting every securities law on the books, Madoff said that at this point in his career, he has nothing to lose. “Oooh, what are they going to do, add another hundred years to my sentence?” Madoff chewed on a finger nail and spit it out. ” I’d be shaking in my custom Michael Anthony boots,” he added, “if they hadn’t been sold at auction.”
Madoff admits there are limitations to seeking investors from within the walls of a federal prison. “People tend to be less trusting,” he said. “But once they take a look at this new vehicle, and all it has to offer, I think they’re going to jump on board.”
So far, he has raised $300 from a guy named “Smack” who told Madoff he should consider it a dowry. “All I had to do was let him pretend my ass was a vagina,” explained Madoff. “If that’s all it takes to get these guys to invest, I’m back in business.”
While Madoff said he expects the new model to begin rolling off the assembly line sometime in 2090, a Ford spokesperson disavowed any connection to the convicted felon. “We need Bernie Madoff like we need another Pinto,” said the spokesperson, referring to the 1970s Ford model known for exploding upon the slightest rear-end impact.
General Motors, however, hasn’t discounted a Madoff’ partnership. An executive with the second larget U.S. automaker said his company would consider working with the former Wall Street guru, contingent upon how much money he can raise.
“At this point,” asked the GM executive, “why the hell not?”