ATHENS, OH — Anthropologists from the University of Ohio discovered a Republican voter isolated deep in the Appalachian hills who thinks the 2000 presidential campaign is still going on.
It was a warm Sunday afternoon when Dr. Uri Armani made the startling discovery of “Carl,” a conservative Homo sapien living in a small shack with no electricity or running water.
There had been several reports of an ape-like creature seen running through the woods wearing a Rush Limbaugh t-shirt, but no photographs had emerged, and no one had been able to corroborate the sightings.
The scientists were taken aback at the discovery. “Carl had apparently been living there with no access to civilization – or FOX News — for several years,” said Armani. “He had no idea that we already held our elections and Barack Obama was elected president.”
Armani and his team were thrown for an even bigger loop when, upon closer inspection, they discovered a “Bush-Cheney 2000” bumper sticker affixed to the decaying front door of Carl’s hovel.
“He still thinks the 2000 presidential campaign is going on,” wrote Professor Armani on his Twitter page. “He doesn’t know that Bush had been elected twice, followed by the election of the first African American president.”
Officials with the Republican Party have asked to meet with Carl at RNC headquarters, but Professor Armani cautioned that events over the last ten years must be introduced to him slowly and methodically.
“This man knows nothing of 9-11,” explained Armani. “He doesn’t know we have been fighting two wars, or that the economy is in the throes of a devastating recession, or that his party’s nomination for vice-president was an ill-informed, aging beauty queen whose daughter got knocked-up in high school.”
According to Armani, Carl mentally exists in a simpler time. “He’s never heard of global warming and he thinks Bernard Madoff is the respected Chairman of NASDAQ.”
“Carl lacks an understanding of the complexities of contemporary life,” added Armani, “and it would be morally wrong to yank him hastily into reality.”
The GOP spokesperson looked quizzically at the anthropologist. “Who said anything about reality?” he asked. “We want to put him on the ticket in 2012.”