Chinese Accuse Phelps of Performance Enhancement

BEIJING — Olympic gold-medalist Michael Phelps has been accused by Chinese officials of ingesting highly nutritious substances to enhance his performance in the swimming events. Chow Li Lo, the president of China’s Olympic Committee, says initial tests showed increased levels of vitamins, antioxidants and “other nutrients” in Phelps’s blood.

“This can only mean that Mr. Phelps has been utilizing the biochemical properties of various foods to prepare for these games,” said Lo. “We believe he has been popping daily helpings of red, green and yellow vegetables. The blood results indicate that in addition to ingesting hundreds of tomatoes, carrots and beats, the Olympic star has been swallowing several hundred pounds of beef, chicken and fish over the course of a year. This combination of oral nutrients gives him an unfair advantage over honest athletes, who compete with nothing but their innate abilities and perhaps a helping or two of stink beetles.”

Chinese scientists have further speculated that the only way Phelps could have developed such a huge upper body, well-defined calves, and a lung capacity far superior to 99% of the world population, is if he had been performing some sort of physical activity for six to eight hours every day.

“This is the only explanation,” said Lo. “Nobody could swim that fast, naturally. His addiction to strenuous physical activity and foods replete with vitamins and minerals is the only reason he has been able to win all those medals. Our sources inside the United States tell us Mr. Phelps actually practices swimming in a pool made to be identical in size and shape to the one we have here in Beijing. We are disappointed that he has chosen to take these extraordinary measures to ensure his success at the Olympics.”

China is in the process of appealing to the International Olympic Committee to revoke Phelps’s gold medals, particularly in events where Chinese athletes earned silver.