NEW YORK — Hillary Clinton, barely recovering from her defeat in the 2008 Democratic primaries, has announced her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election.
Sen. Clinton said that the 101 months of rigorous campaigning between now and the 2016 election will give her the time she needs to ingrain her message into the collective consciousness of the American people. “I’ll be on the road for the next eight years,” said Clinton, “repeating over and over again just why I should be the next president. I think this time they’ll finally get it.”
Clinton expects to bring along her core constituency from the 2008 campaign, especially “Those aging women in their nineties. I wouldn’t be able to do this without them.”
She went on to say that she will be travelling across the country, back and forth, dozens – perhaps hundreds – of times, meeting average Americans who will no doubt be concerned about “the terrible direction this country will hopefully be taking under president Obama.”
When asked if she would have her husband, former president Bill Clinton, campaign for her the next time around, she replied, “The man had a quadruple coronary bypass four years ago. He’d be seventy years old by then. You do the math.”
Mrs. Clinton, who will be 68 years old in 2016, explained the appeal of this incredibly lengthy and unprecedented campaign. “When I step into that oval office on January 20, 2017, I will be prepared, on day one, to put into practice my incredibly obsolete message that I will have been espousing for over a decade.”
After eight years of a Barack Obama presidency, will the nation be ready for the return of Clinton?
“I’m sure President Obama will have instituted many changes during his two terms in office,” said Clinton, “at which time the American people will be longing for the Washington politics of old. And if people think that’s what I represent today, just wait until they get a load of me in eight years.”
Senator Clinton’s announcement brought no response from Barack Obama; however, the American Psychiatric Association has recommended mood stabilizers and an extra two hours of sleep.