McCain to Enslave Poor

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SUPREMECY, OH — In a last-ditch-effort to present a solution to the nation’s ailing economy, Senator John McCain today disclosed a new plan to allow small businesses to utilize the country’s poor without having to compensate them.

“Small business is the backbone of America,” said McCain in a speech to the local Chamber of Commerce.  “Instead of shipping jobs overseas, my plan allows businesses to utilize the labor of over one million homeless and poverty stricken Americans without the burden of providing them with a paycheck or government mandated health insurance.”

The Obama camp called the plan criminal, saying it was an “act of desperation by a bloated old fart trying to pander to the independent fascist vote.” 

“Senator Obama wants to give these people a free education,” said McCain. “I want to give American companies free labor. This will allow Joe the Plumber to pursue his dream of owing his own business.”

Should McCain win the election and implement his plan, the American Civil Liberties Union stated it intends to pursue charges against McCain for discrimination and violation of the thirteenth amendment.

McCain denied that he was being prejudice.  “I’m not advocating the enslavement of humans because of the color of their skin or their country of origin.  This is America and that would be wrong.  Being poor is an economic condition, my friends, and it crosses barriers of color, race and religion.  The use of free-labor will stimulate the economy better than any tax incentive we could ever device.  Senator Obama and his liberal friends in Congress are against slavery, and will tax small businesses.”

Senator Linsey Graham (R-South Carolina), a McCain supporter, hailed the plan as “the last, best hope” for the economic recovery of our country.  “Poor people really want to work,” said Graham. “It’s good for their self-esteem.  McCain’s plan gives them something to do with their lives, while helping small businesses create wealth for themselves and the non-poor.  It’s a win-win situation.”

“It’s not like they won’t be getting anything in return,” added McCain.  “Small businesses will spends hundreds, perhaps thousands, of dollars cleaning them up — giving them shaves and baths — and purchasing clothing and name badges for them.  Many of the homeless have never owned a name badge, and I know they will want to keep them shiny and new, lest they face the penalties of the company taskmaster, who I imagine will be very strict in keeping the free laborers in line.”

John Stenson, President of “Homeless Americans for McCain,” told reporters he felt betrayed and abused.  “I’m advising my members to vote for Obama,” he said.  “That is, the ones who have addresses and are allowed to vote.”

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