Congress Tells Toyota, Honda, BMW to Make Shittier Vehicles

WASHINGTON — The House Financial Services Committee issued a statement today, urging foreign car manufactures to “tone down” the quality and appeal of their products, so that the big three American car companies can compete more effectively.

“If the foreign manufacturers would start turning out shittier, crappier, uglier vehicles than they have in the past,” said Rep. Barney Frank, Chairman of the Committee, “then maybe we can prompt Americans to see the value in purchasing the slightly-better, domestically produced product.”

Frank cited how profits soared for the big three automakers during the time the East European-built Yugo made it to our shores. “That was a crappy, shitty car that scared buyers right into the pockets of their local Chrysler dealer,” he said. “We need a new Yugo and we need it now!”

Calling it “Business 101,” Frank told reporters, “In order to compete in the market, companies have to either innovate and improve their own products, making them superior to those offered by their competitors — or we force the other guys to crap-down their goods.”

The congressman warned that any international trade agreements coming from the new administration would have to allow the United States to only accept imports of inferior design and performance. “China, for example, could build cars out of mud and asbestos and export them to America. When given a choice like that, I believe many consumers would seriously consider owning a Ford, GM or Chrysler product instead.”

“If you build shitty cars and want to export them to America,” Frank said, “we will make it very easy for you to do business here.”