MESA, AZ — A local crossing guard claims a perfect image of GM chief executive Rick Wagoner has appeared on his left testicle. “I was masturbating last Friday, which I always do sitting on top of a hand mirror,” said Jordan Borman, 33. “The coolness of the mirror glass feels good on my balls and the handle fits perfectly up my ass for that extra prostate stimulation.”
Borman said he glanced into the mirror during one particularly violent jerking session and almost fell off the hood of his car at what he saw. “Staring back at me from the bottom of my left nut was the CEO of General Motors, just like he looks in those congressional hearings.”
Businessmen and women from across the country have traveled to Borman’s house to witness the miracle. They lie on their backs as a naked Borman squats over them, hovering his adorned testicle only inches from their eyes.
“His balls have truly been blessed,” said one believer.
Some reach out and touch the image; others kiss it while asking the CEO to answer their prayers. So far, however, the only prayers that have been answered are Borman’s, who claims to have earned more than ten thousand dollars from the fees he charges the pilgrims who pay homage to his testes.
The Vatican issued a statement saying they would need to verify the image before they could clasiify it as a true miracle. They asked Borman not to bathe or touch the CEO until their representative can have a first-hand look. Priests from across the country are lining up to volunteer for the assignment.
Some Wall Street insiders believe it’s all a pubicity stunt orchestrated by the automakers to distract investors from the industry’s economic woes. But a spokesperson from GM said they had nothing to do with it. “We’ve never met with Mr. Borman nor seen his testicles,” said the spokesperson. “If he says our CEO’s face is on his scrotum, we have no reason to question the miracle.”
But at least one voice at the Mesa Police Department is skeptical. “The real miracle,” said Sgt. Clarence Baker, “is that some fat, ugly guy with no life has convinced thousands of people to come over and play with his genitals.”
Baker wanted to book him for indecent exposure, but a spokesperson for the District Attorney’s office said they would not prosecute, contending that Borman was merely exercising his first amendment rights.
“Which rights would those be?” asked Baker. “Speech? Religion? Or the right to dangle your man-bulbs in public?” Baker shook his head and sighed. “Our founding fathers would be so proud.”