The following transcript is an excerpt from the Rose Parade telecast of January 1, 2009, obtained exclusively by TheSkunk.org. The segments were recorded live, but never aired.
STEPHANIE: ...and that was the United States Air Force Marching Band, with their rendition of "Help Me Rhonda." BOB: This next float is called "Death to Zion" -- sponsored by Hamas. STEPHANIE: The float won the Judge's Trophy for "Best Use of Improvised Incendiary Devices." BOB: It depicts four young suicide bombers inside an Israeli tour bus. The bus is covered with Yellow orchids and Jasmine, which is the national flower of Palestine. STEPHANIE: I didn't know they had a national flower. BOB: That's according to Wikipedia. STEPHANIE: I do know that those explosive apparatuses strapped onto their thighs are made from high grade fertilizer. SFX: WHITE FLASH. EXPLOSION. BOB: The Israeli corpses are covered with fig leaves and pomegranate seeds, all native to the Holy Land. STEPHANIE: This next float is "Gateway to Employment," sponsored by our neighbors to the South: Mexico. BOB: That border fence you see is an authentic one-half scale replica of the one that divides of our two great nations. It's covered in white dahlias and flour tortillas. STEPHANIE: The immigrants you see climbing the fence and jumping to the other side are actual undocumented workers from Jalisco. BOB: The word Jalisco means "sandy plain" in Spanish. STEPHANIE: I didn't know that. BOB: Here's something else you probably didn't know: Those are real border patrol officers chasing the Mexicans. SFX: GUN FIRE STEPHANIE: It's clever how the ones climbing under the fence get away. BOB: This next float is entitled "Bailout." Sponsored by the big three American automakers, it depicts an assembly line inside a closed-up factory. STEPHANIE: That large plant in the center is commonly known as the "corpse flower," best known for its scent, which is reminiscent of rotting flesh. BOB: It represents the cars of GM, Ford and Chrysler. STEPHANIE: Its bloom lasts just three or four days and occurs every couple of years -- just like the ingenuity of their chief executives. BOB: On the back of the float is a real family living in boxes coated with apple blossoms, the Michigan state flower. Standing tall is the union autoworker of tomorrow. His two young children haven't eaten and the foam on their mouths is created with coconut shavings. STEPHANIE: Interestingly, the float is being driven by a 2009 Honda CRV. BOB: Creative and fuel efficient. STEPHANIE: This next float is called "Government Indisposed." Sponsored by the state of Illinois, it features a 20 foot animated likeness of governor Blagojevich emptying his bowels into an oversized replica of Abraham Lincoln's hat. BOB: Every ten seconds, the figure stands up, wipes his "arse" -- as the British would say -- and sits back down. STEPHANIE: The toilet paper was created from white Rose petals. If you look closely, you can actually see the words of the Illinois state constitution written on them. BOB: Amazing detail. STEPHANIE: Maybe that's why it won the judge's award for "Best use of Subtlety."