TRENTON — An atrocious singer from New Jersey sued the producers of American Idol Thursday, claiming unfair employment practices by hiring only those with strong singing voices to participate in the popular reality series.
“They actually audition people to see if they can carry a tune or not before putting them on the show,” claims Clarence Watson, a one-time car salesman for a recently abandoned Chrysler dealership. “If some horrible disfiguring disease has ravaged your vocal chords, making you screech like a tomcat on heroin, they will flat out refuse to hire you.”
Producers for Idol issued a statement saying that the show is about finding the best vocal talent in America and that being able to sing on pitch is an integral component of the competition.
But Watson’s attorney disagreed, saying that discrimination is discrimination, no matter what. “Why not just go around hand-picking all the white people for contestants, or the Chinese?” said Arthur Jaymes, III. “What if they denied this opportunity to Jews? The world would be outraged. But when you have an appalling voice, it’s okay to shit on you.”
Watson concurred. “Where is the outrage?!” he shrieked, wailing his protest in a vibrato two octaves higher than his gravelly voice could handle. “Where is the outrage?!”
Jaymes’s firm is contemplating turning the case into a class-action lawsuit, representing other would-be contestants who have been discriminated against by a litany of television programs. “At least a dozen really stupid people were recently prevented from competing on Jeopardy,” explained Jaymes. “Now they’re all my clients.”
For his part, Watson has no illusions of being the next Susan Boyle. “Yes, I have a terrible, awful, horrific voice,” he admitted, “but why should that disqualify me from being a participant in a singing competition?”
He compared his situation to that of national politics. “No one votes for candidates because of their qualifications,” he said. “You vote for people who are the same party as you, or whose names you remember. Why should voter standards be higher for ‘American Idol’ than for American elections?”
Idol producers have so far refused Watson’s settlement demands for unspecified monetary compensation, guaranteed performances on subsequent seasons of the top-rated show, and a quilt made from all of Simon Cowell’s t-shirts from season eight.