French-American Man Hates Himself

SEATTLE — A French-American man expressed deep loathing for himself over the weekend.

“I cannot stand my own stench,” declared Pierre Molyneux. “I never bathe and the disgusting smell I emit makes me sick to my stomach.”

In addition to citing his offensive body odor, Molyneux, who runs a daycare center, called himself “the rudest asshole” he has ever met. “I am pretentious and elitist,” he declared. “If I don’t ignore you, I will tell you how stupid you are.”

Sociology Professor Drew Anders from the University of Washington called the self-repudiation a result of “co-mingling two disparate cultures.”

“On the one hand, Mr. Molyneux has assimilated into our American tradition of hatred toward all things French,” explained Prof. Anders. “On the other hand, as a native Frenchman, he is a vile, rude human being, who smells like a yellow jockstrap.”

Molyneux agreed, adding that he is “utterly disgusted” by his wife’s armpit hair. “I could fashion the world’s largest fishing net from the long wiry strands that dangle from those slimy caverns,” he said, “but would not catch so much as a mackerel, as its aroma would repulse all living things.”

He concluded his tirade by taunting himself to leave the United States. “I am a cheese-eating piece of shit,” he asserted. “Why don’t I go back to my own damn country where I will feel right at home with my fellow surrender-monkeys?”