NRA Donates Guns to Grade-Schoolers

FAIRFAX, VA — The National Rifle Association plans to distribute free handguns to seven million American school children in grades K-3 as part of their 2nd Amendment education program, “Bang Bang, it’s Your Right!”

“We feel a sacred duty to inform the next generation that our founding fathers wanted them to be well-armed,” explained Kyle Otterchitt, Director of Outreach Activities for the NRA. “What better way than to give them free guns and ammunition?”

The firearms, Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-automatics, will be delivered directly to children on school playgrounds across the country, according to Otterchitt, by a nationwide network of NRA volunteers.

“The guns all have working trigger locks,” he added, “and are perfectly safe for children over the age of four. They come pre-loaded, so kids can have fun firing right out-of-the-box.”

In addition, each recipient will receive a matching toy water pistol to “fool your friends.”

“We’re also giving away an animated DVD,” said Otterchitt. “It’s called, ‘Don’t Let Him Get Away with It!’ and features ‘Gary Grenade,’ our beloved children’s character.”

Organized protests to the gun distribution have sprung up across the country. PTAs have contacted their local authorities to prevent NRA members from entering school property.

But Republican lawmakers are warning parents to “stay out of the way.” Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has drafted emergency legislation to assure the NRA has unfettered access to grade schools and that outside organizations cannot impede their “God-sanctioned mission.”

The Democratic National Committee issued a statement calling the NRA’s program, “the stupidest idea ever thought of.”

Otterchitt scoffed at that notion. “You may be surprised,” he said, “that this charity event was endorsed by one-hundred percent of our membership.”

We’re not suprised.