Man Gives Right Nut for a Beer

GARDEN GROVE, CA – Lee Joseph Flanders told the clerk at the corner liquor store last Wednesday that he was so thirsty he would “give his right nut for a beer,” but when he reached for his wallet to purchase a 32-ounce Molson Lager, he came up a few dollars short.

The clerk, assistant store manager Larry Moss, laughed and told him not to worry; he would indeed accept the man’s right testicle in payment.

“I knew it was going to hurt,” said Flanders, an engineering student at California State University, Long Beach, “but man, I really, really needed to have a beer.”

Flanders went outside to his pickup truck, where he kept a tool case and a first aid kit. He returned moments later with an oozing orb wrapped in a red bandana, which he handed to Moss.

“I thought he was joking,” remembered  Moss. “Then he sets this severed fleshy thing right on the counter in front of me, and I’m like, ‘Go ahead, take the beer and get the fuck out of here.’”

Flanders limped out of the liquor store, carrying his bag of Molson in one hand and applying direct pressure with the other.

Moss then called the police to come and “remove this guy’s right nut” from the premises.

Moss, who is recovering from dehydration resulting from incessant vomiting, was further dismayed to learn police had identified the testicle as coming from the suspect’s “left side.”

“It was bad enough he tossed one of his gonads at me,” he said. “Now I find out he lied about which one it was.”

Moss has banned Flanders from ever returning to his place of business. “If that nutjob ever sets foot in here again,” he added, “I’m going to chew him a new asshole.”