Spilled Oil Was Destined for Gas Station in Iowa

DES MOINES — BP informed the public on Thursday that the millions of barrels of oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico were destined for a single gas station in Kimbalton, Iowa.

In a letter sent to the town’s council members, BP CEO Tony Hayward expressed his regret. “We apologize to the 342 residents of Kimbalton,” he said. “We know how disappointed they are that it was their oil that has caused all the environmental damage to the Gulf, and we empathize with their grief.”

Not everyone has accepted the apology.

“Tony Hayward can suck the tar balls out of my ass,” declared Bill Pendley, owner of Cheap Willie’s Gas ‘n Pump, the area’s only gas station. “The petroleum leaking into the Gulf should have been going into my customers’ cars, and not the Louisiana marshes.”

Hayward accused Pendley of overreacting, noting that the shortage created from the spill was only temporary, and townspeople would be able to purchase gasoline again in “less than 300 years.”

The oil chief reassured panicking gas station owners in the rest of the country that their allotment of gasoline will not be impeded. “The oil involved in the Deepwater Horizon spill was intended only for that one station on Main and Clover.”

The spill has created a future of uncertainty for Pendley. “Everyone talks about those poor fisherman and how they’re all out of work,” he said, “but no one gives a rat’s turd about the poor old gas station owner not getting any petrol for his customers.”

Pendley is considering converting his business to a Jamba Juice franchise. BP has offered to front the money, but Pendley remains skeptical, lamenting that BP has “caused enough damage to my finances.”

“If they were to bankroll my smoothie business,” he added, “I’d need guarantees that all my ‘Caribbean Mango Passions’ don’t end up in the Caribbean.”