GRAND ISLE, La. – In its latest attempt stop the unending flow of pressurized petroleum that has been spewing uncontrollably into the Gulf of Mexico, BP announced today it will inject 500 million bottles of Gas-X tablets into the well.
“We know from personal experience this product is extremely effective in preventing gas from escaping,” said BP CEO Tony Hayward, who compared the pipeline lying at the bottom of the ocean floor to a “giant bloated colon.”
Hayward said he has chosen the cherry cream flavored Gas-X Chewables to be their weapon of choice in the battle to prevent continued oil pressure from wreaking havoc on the Gulf Coast. “The product,” he noted, “is touted on its website as ‘fast acting and long lasting.'”
Bottles of the popular anti-gas product will be emptied into the hull of the BP tanker “British Wind,” and the tablets will then be forced down a tube from the ship into the opening of the leaking pipe. “This is our best idea yet,” said Hayward. “We’re pretty certain it might almost work, sort of.”
Scientists at the Environmental Protection Agency expressed their skepticism at the effectiveness of this approach, calling the BP engineers “fucking retards.”
EPA Director Lisa Jackson declared that if the procedure is a success, another shipload of tablets will be forced down Hayward’s throat, to “prevent the fumes coming out of that asshole from destroying any more of our environment.”