Everyone in Loan Business Going to Prison

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — The U.S. Department of Justice today announced major prosecutorial action against the entire banking industry, which could send everyone who ever worked in the residential mortgage business to prison.

The DOJ has filed its case — the largest in history — naming as defendants “every loan officer, mortgage broker, underwriter, bank executive, real estate appraiser, escrow officer and anyone else who has ever been even marginally associated with the loan process.”

Under these definitions, over 40 million qualify as defendants. They would all be tried “en masse” and locked up for life should the government win its case.

The blanket prosecution is necessary, according to Attorney General Eric Holder, to prevent mortgagors from doing any more harm to America. “They’re dangers to society,” he said, “and the sooner we get them off the streets, the better.”

As examples of lender lawlessness, Holder cited the forging of borrowers’ income statements, failure to disclose loan terms, and “really ugly billboards.”

“These lenders and their co-conspirators are soulless, opportunistic, bottom-feeders,” declared Holder, “who serve no purpose other than tricking innocent Americans into signing away their dreams of homeownership.”

Holder promised he would do everything in his power to “ensure they die in prison.”

“All forty-million of them,” he added.

In order to accommodate the impending and massive onslaught of convicts, the state of Arizona is being converted into a federal penitentiary.