TULSA (TheSkunk.org) — An area man’s account of being abducted from his bed by extraterrestrials during last night’s power outage has been grossly exaggerated, according to Zerenbocx of Flarjyarg III.
The startlingly hideous Zerenbocx characterized bookeeper Albert Jackmeyer’s assertions as “complete fabrications that stretch the limits of the space-time continuum.”
“For starters,” noted the nine-foot-tall Flarjyargian, “we never inserted anything into his rectum larger than his own fibula.”
Most of what Jackmeyer claims to have happened to him occurred during a “deep, trance-like dream accompanied by a warm tingling sensation,” insisted Zerenbocx, who has retained attorney Gloria Allred and plans to file a defamation suit against the humanoid for ten-million qenfgrungueles. “His outer body shell barely even left his bed.”
“It’s not about the money; it’s the principle,” explained Allred. “You can’t just go around making things up about other lifeforms in the universe without expecting any consequences.”
When asked if he would take a lie-detector test, Zerenbocx rolled several of his eyes and sighed. “Sure I’ll take your tests,” he said. “Maybe then you’ll believe me when I tell you we didn’t take samples of this guy’s DNA for any purposes other than the crossbreeding of our species.”
The attorney for Jackmeyer issued a statement that although his client’s recollection of events is rapidly fading, he stands by his story and “has the pelvic burn marks to prove it.”
“That proves nothing,” replied Zerenbocx. “Any so-called ‘mating rituals’ between the Earth man and our virgin sun-podlings were purely consensual.”