Gingrich Paid for Anal Bleachings with Government Funds

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — According to a statement from the Justice Department, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich paid for multiple anal bleachings during his tenure in Congress using money from his office’s general fund.

The DOJ report claims that from 1993-1999 the presidential hopeful spent over $150,000 to lighten the tint of his rectal opening.

Members of Congress are allotted an average of $1.4 million annually to run their offices.

Although it has been well-known that Gingrich was obsessed with the color of his anus, Washington insiders expressed shock to learn that thousands of dollars in over-the-counter anal bleaching products were being charged to his congressional expense account — in addition to the services of a highly regarded Washington plastic surgeon.

According to Dr. Emile L’Dros, Gingrich joked about having the procedure done to “eliminate any and all traces of my African root.”

“He was anal in his quest for perfection,” quipped L’Dros. “He wasn’t satisfied until the walls of his anus blended seamlessly with the cleavage of his milky white buttocks.”

After the initial session, Gingrich returned to L’Dros almost weekly for “touch-ups.”

“He’d show up to work following his doctor’s appointments,” remembered one staffer, “pull his trousers down, spread his cheeks and say, ‘Does it match, now?'”

Attorney General Eric Holder said the charges against Gingrich are very serious. “It doesn’t matter whether he used that money for a cheeseburger or to whiten his ebony-stained rectal cavity, the fact remains that he embezzled thousands of taxpayer dollars for his personal use, and he will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

If convicted, Gingrich could serve 10-20 years in a federal prison, where, added Holder, “that pearly white manhole will have a lot of admirers.”