Stray Dog: 'I Mounted Herman Cain's Leg'

ROANOAKE, TX — An abandoned golden retriever is the latest to come forward with an account of Herman Cain’s sexual improprieties, claiming to have mounted the Republican presidential candidate’s legs on several occasions going back to 2005.

“I’d hump away on his expensive suit pants for, like, five minutes at a time,” said Barky. “It felt real good and he’d always follow it up by giving me a little doggie treat or a pat on the head.”

Barky claims the leg mounting was consensual. “He was very gentle, never forcing me onto his shins or anything like that,” he remembered, “except for that one time at the Miami Hyatt. We were both real lonely.”

When confronted with the dog’s claims by CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, Cain downplayed the story, insisting he and the dog were just “casual acquaintances.”

“Yes, I’ve seen that dog before, and no, I never put my leg under its genitals.”

“Just to get this straight,” said Blitzer. “You’re saying you never had leg sex with this canine.”

“No, never,” responded Cain. “I was trying to help him get a job — you know, with a blind person or something.”

“Are you’re saying this golden retreiver — one of the most dependable domesticated animals on the planet — is lying?'” asked Blitzer.

“I am saying he has misrepresented the facts of our relationship,” replied Cain, who said he has no idea why the dog would make such an accusation. “The only reasonable conclusion is that he has been brain-washed by a left-wing animal conspiracy intent on soiling my reputation.”

The dog denied the allegation, admitting to soiling only Cain’s left pants leg. “I would never do anything to hurt him,” noted Barky. “I just enjoy feeling those silky trousers rubbing against my doggie parts and listening to him tell me all about his ‘Canine-Nine-Nine’ plan.”

Cain attorney Lin Wood released a statement demanding the media stop hounding his client about the accusations.

“Consensual sex between a man’s leg and a dog is a private subject,” added Wood, “and not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public.”