GOP: New Fonts Will Attract Voters

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — A report issued by the Republican Party Friday blamed their overwhelming losses in November on the fonts they have been using in their printed and online materials.

“People want the GOP to stop using the same old typeface,” explained Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, “and replace it with something that is more visually alluring.”

The report cites the GOP’s “uninspired” use of fonts on letterhead, brochures and websites as being the single biggest factor in alienating voters, who gravitated in 2012 to the more graphically stimulating look of the fonts used by the Democrats.

“We get it,” noted Priebus. “For years, our party has been overlooking the fonts we use, and now we’re paying the price.”

The RNC report says the GOP must particularly stop ignoring the font preferences of minorities and women and calls for abandonment of the party’s anti-serif preference, flatly declaring that “we must embrace and champion fonts of every size, shape and color on the road toward comprehensive font reform.”

“We know our conservative policies are sound,” said Priebus, “but our message gets lost in a sea of undesirable lettering.”

Toward that end, Priebus said the RNC will be investing $20 million in improving the fonts they use on all their materials.

“From now on, when we write about our plans for voter suppression,” declared Priebus, “it will no longer be printed in 20-point Arial, but in the much desired 30-point Garamond.”

For their ideas on immigration, Priebus said they’re considering using a 15-point Cartoon sans-serif font, “enclosed inside comic book-style word balloons.”

“When blacks, Hispanics, gays, women and people under 30 go to the polls in the next election,” said Priebus, “we’re confident they’ll cast their votes for the party that cares about their typestyle preferences.”

“Provided,” he added, “they can present three forms of identification and prove to the poll workers they are legal citizens of this country.”