ATLANTA (TheSkunk.org) — There never was any airplane that went missing over the Indian Ocean, and there was never even a Flight 370. In fact, there is no Malaysia Airlines, that company having gone bankrupt over three years ago. So how could this non-event mobilize the armies of Earth’s mightiest nations and keep hundreds of millions of people glued to their TV sets?
Turns out, what started as a publicity stunt to sell more cans of Coke, ended up preoccupying the entire planet for two weeks. The stunt was revealed in a press release distributed by the Coca Cola Corporation late Wednesday afternoon.
“This is the most viral thing we’ve ever done,” said Ed Lemnizo, VP of Public Relations for the ubiquitous beverage company. “I guess it’s safe to say, the promotion was a success!”
And what of the people who appeared on the news programs, proclaiming to be loved ones of the passengers? “Actors. All of them,” explained Lemnizo. “So were the alleged pilots who appeared in those photographs.”
A spokesperson for Coca Cola said they will reimburse the estimated $750 million spent by Malaysia and other nations in the search for the plane. Lemnizo calls that a “drop in the bucket,” compared to the promotional benefits reaped by this stunning 336-hour commercial.
“This is better than a Super Bowl spot,” exclaimed Lemnizo. “Sales of Coke have skyrocketed.”
“No pun intended,” he added.
shut the fuck up