Evangelicals Strike ‘Adultery’ from Ten Commandments

BIRMINGHAM (TheSkunk.org) — In an unexpected announcement, the National Evangelical Alliance has decided to remove commandment number seven from the list of God’s top ten requirements. The commandment, which forbids fornicating with someone other than one’s own spouse, is expected to be absent in future editions of the King James Bible.

According to a spokesperson, the prohibition on adultery conflicts with the values associated with President Donald Trump. “Many of our members felt ashamed or hypocritical to support our current president amid accusations of sexual misconduct,” he explained. “It’s just easier to remove a commandment than to live by it.”

Evangelicals are already preparing for their upcoming convention, where they will debate removing commandment number ten, prohibiting the coveting of thy neighbor’s wife. “Trump already admitted during the campaign that he was hitting on a married woman,” said the spokesperson, “so this one should be a no-brainer. It’s gone.”

Commandment eight, however, “Thou shalt not steal,” is a little trickier for the devout. “Is not paying your bills and then filing bankruptcy really stealing?” he asked. “It’s a fine line, and we’ll probably keep this one – at least until the Mueller report comes out.”

When asked about Evangelical support for repealing the Second Amendment, the spokesperson was more resolute, exclaiming, “Absolutely not! Are you fucking crazy?”

“The Second Amendment is sacrosanct,” he stated firmly, “and cannot be repealed, altered or amended.”

“We may be hypocrites,” he added, “but we are not heathens!”