Herman Cain Proposes Running Country Only During Business Hours

WASHINGTON — In order to operate the United States in a more efficient manner, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain today proposed new business hours for the country. “If I am elected President,” he said, “America will be open from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm Monday through Friday, and 10:00 am to 5:00 pm on Saturday.”

Cain said Sundays would be “by appointment only.”

“If someone places a phone call to the country after closing time,” explained the former Godfather’s Pizza executive, “they will be connected to a recorded message — in English only — asking them to try back the next day.”

By staying closed for a majority of the week, Cain estimated the government will save approximately $43 trillion over the next decade. Cain said he will ask enemies and allies alike, as well as all neutral third parties, to “please respect our hours of operation.”

“I will let the world know that the U.S.A. is ready to engage in far-reaching trade and commerce with our friends and unleash the might of our military against those who would harm our nation,” declared Cain, “but only during normal business hours.”

One of the many advantages of the new schedule, noted Cain, is the assistance it will provide in the fight against illegal immigration. “Illegal immigrants will only be able to sneak across the border while it’s light outside, making it easier to apprehend them.”

Cain warned that anyone trying to break into the country after hours will have to deal with an alarm system and 24-hour security patrol. “The alarm will be motion sensitive,” he said. “In the event you hear the alarm, please call the security company at the phone number that will be provided to you.” According to Cain’s website, each household will be given the code to the alarm, with instructions on how to reset it should it go off accidentally.

While critics claim the new hours would prevent the country from moving forward, essentially tying the president’s hands in urgent matters, Cain strongly disagrees, promising to “work every day, nine-to-five” on the important issues facing America.

“And remember that three-in-the-morning phone call?” he quipped, referring to Hillary Clinton’s campaign ad from 2008. “It ain’t going to happen on my watch.”

“It’s no big deal,” he added. “They’ll just have to call back when we’re open.”