Sexual Harassment Victim Praises Herman Cain for Jump-Starting Her Career

TOLEDO, OH — Another alleged victim to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment has stepped forward — not to blame him for his misdeeds, but to thank him for helping her secure a “plum job.”

“I was out of work and didn’t know where to turn,” said Leticia Hepplemeyer, 43, “when Mr. Cain promised to get me an executive position with an oil company.”

According to Hepplemeyer, Cain “made his moves” on her in the ladies’ room at Ruth’s Chris Steak House in Spring 1991.

“At first, I was a little creeped out that he followed me into the bathroom,” said Hepplemeyer. “And even more creeped out when he started licking my shoulders.”

Hepplemeyer said she initially told him to stop, but Cain promised to help her secure a six-figure job if she let him continue.

“I was young and out-of-work,” she said. “So I lied down on the cold tile floor, closed my eyes, and pretended it was Tom Selleck with bad breath.”

According to Hepplemeyer, he then “touched my skin with something that was either a small stick, a lizard tail, or a gummy bear.”

“He also carved his initials into my abdomen,” she remembered. “I noticed it when I woke up. It freaked me out at first, but after all these years it’s been scarred-over and you can barely make out the little ‘HC’ just above my bikini line.”

Despite the negative characterizations given by other accusers, Heppplemeyer considers Cain to be a man of “great integrity.”

“He kept his word,” she noted. “He could easily have harassed me and not helped me get a job. But here I am, the Vice President of a multi-national corporation, and I owe it all to Herman Cain for allowing me to swap my dignity, self-esteem, and innocence for career advancement.”

Hepplemeyer said she feels no sympathy for Cain’s other alleged victims. “If only those women had given him what he wanted, they’d have great-paying jobs today, like me.”

As evidence of her success, she likes to show off her new Mercedes SL convertible with the license plate: HARASSEE.

“Yes, Herman Cain sexually harassed me,” she stated. “But he also delivered.”

Added Hepplemeyer, “I guess that’s why they call him ‘The Pizza Man.'”