NASHVILLE — Jackson Blaine, a Democratic National Committee “Super Delegate” from Tennessee, suffered severe fractures to his skull, ribs, arms and legs Thursday, after jumping from a fourth floor window at the DNC Headquarters in Nashville, in his attempt to “fly faster than a speeding bullet.”
“We tried to tell him that Super Delegates have no special powers,” said an assistant to the local party chair, “but he wouldn’t listen.”
Blaine entered the Nashville office shortly before noon and began asking employees if they had information about any “Dastardly, evil plans.” The employees, initially believing it was yet another childish prank from DNC leader Howard Dean, laughed off the incident. “But then he returned from the men’s room donning a blue cape and wearing an Al Gore mask,” said an insider. “That’s when we called security.”
In an interview from the Intensive Care Unit at Nashville Memorial Hospital, Blaine remained defiant. “Why would they call us ‘Super Delegates,’” he pondered, “if we can’t even fly or see through concrete walls?”
A DNC official could only shake his head. “Isn’t altering the course of an election in an unfair and undemocratic manner power enough?”
Blaine was released from Nashville Memorial an hour later, when it was determined that he lacked health insurance and could not afford to pay for his entire stay. Witnesses spotted him being tossed from an ambulance in an alleyway three blocks from the hospital.
And to whom will he be pledging his support at the Democratic convention in August? As he lay bleeding on the asphalt, a dazed and broken Blaine looked off into the distance. “I’m not sure,” he said, taking a moment to contemplate the huge decision before him. “What are my choices, again?”