JERUSALEM — New archaeological evidence uncovered over the weekend suggests that Jesus was not sentenced to crucifixion by the Roman Empire as previously believed, but that he committed suicide by nailing his own wrists to the cross.
An ancient note, found by Dr. Lemah Salitae of the University of Cairo, was uncovered amid other parchments written in the ancient tongue of Aramaic. The author of the note described a life of turmoil and struggle and questioned whether his existence had any significance in the world scheme. Handwriting analysis has shown the lettering to be that of Jesus.
“This changes everything,” said Bishop Liam Hartigan, a spokesperson for the Catholic Church. “If this note is authentic, and Jesus did commit suicide, then all we believe about our heavenly father has been turned upside down.”
In a TV special to be aired during Easter, TV therapist Dr. Phil McGraw, asks the question: “Was Christ clinically depressed?”
According to McGraw, it was altogether possible.
“There was no doubt that Jesus was down in the dumps for most of his thirty-some years,” said McGraw. “Today we could treat this condition, but 2000 years ago, if you were really, really sad, the accepted way out was to kill yourself.”
Skeptics note the unlikliness that a man could nail both his wrists to a beam of wood. “We can accept the possibility that he could have nailed just one of his own wrists to the crossbeam,” said Arthur McTwee, a noted forensic investigator, “but then how could he nail up the other one? It lacks credibility.”
“That is the true miracle,” exclaimed Bishop Hartigan. “God helps those who help themselves.”
Hartigan said the Church will be conducting its own tests on the suicide note to determine its authenticity.
Meanwhile, the Vatican is mulling over whether the cross, the longtime symbol of Christ’s martyrdom, should be replaced with a Paxil tablet.