A man whose penis was severed from his body recently underwent surgery to replace the missing appendage with the big toe from his right foot.
John Wentworth Larchmont lost his penis in a freak lawnmower accident over the weekend. “The owner’s manual doesn’t say anything about turning the damn thing off before lying underneath it naked with an erection,” explained Larchmont. “I’m considering a lawsuit.”
After a frantic 911 call, paramedics arrived on the scene within minutes, but were unable to locate the penis. They bandaged Larchmont and rushed him to the local emergency room.
Chief surgeon Dr. Reza Partoonian knew he quickly needed to find a replacement for his patient’s penis, and thought the big toe to be an ideal candidate. “You can do without your big toe,” reasoned Partoonian, “but everybody’s gotta pee.”
The operation, the first of its kind in the United States, was a success. After surgically removing Larchmont’s big toe, Partoomian skillfully grafted it to the exact spot were his patient’s penis had been.
Doctors assured Larchmont that — provided he kept the nail trimmed — he would continue to lead a normal sex life. Unfortunately, no one explained that to Larchmont’s wife, who won’t let him near her. “I told him to keep that fucking toe away from me,” she said. “It’s disgusting.”
“I think it’s cute how she calls it my ‘Fucking Toe,” said Larchmont, who is gradually adjusting to the penis-toe. “Sometimes, when I’m done in the men’s room, I flush with it, just to freak everybody out.”
Three days after the surgery, Larchmont’s new gardener came screaming up to the house, with something dangling from his fingers. “He was holding my penis,” said Larchmont, with a laugh. “Told him ‘I won’t be needing that any more.’ Then I unzipped my pants and showed him my penis-toe. He got all weird on me, threw the penis down and ran off shouting something in Japanese.”
Larchmont limped back inside his house, took out a pair of clippers and trimmed his nail.