War on Christmas ‘Winnable’ Say Jewish Lawmakers

WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) – Members of the Congressional Jewish Caucus Tuesday issued a statement expressing their belief that the ongoing war on Christmas can be won by the end of the year.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) told reporters the United States should put all its available resources into putting an end to this decades-old conflict. “Unlike Iraq, we have a very specific goal,” she explained. “Our enemies must know there will be severe consequences for haphazardly wishing ‘Merry Christmas’ to anyone they meet.”

In a show of bi-partisan support, Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) agreed. “This is a war that America can and must win,” he said. “Even though we lost the war on poverty and the war on drugs, the world needs to know that America is still a war-winning nation — and a nation where Jews are still mildly in control.”

“Let’s ramp up our efforts to win this thing,” said Wasserman Schultz, “and bring the brave gentiles fighting on our behalf home to celebrate this wonderful time of the year with their families.”

Although he is not Jewish, Senator John McCain (R-AZ), threw his support behind the war efforts, recommending a surge of unmanned drones be sent into the battle to facilitate a quick victory. “This time, I’m sure the Muslims will greet us as liberators,” noted McCain, “as well as Jews, Buddhists and all the other Atheists in this great country of ours.”

“And Happy Holidays,” he added. “May God – or whomever you’d like – bless America.”