Filed Under: "senate"
House Votes to Extend Hatred of Obama for Six Months
Congress approved legislation this morning that would extend the GOP’s hatred of President Obama for another six months.
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Enormous Mayonnaise Spill Threatens Lake Michigan
NORTHFIELD, IL — Vast amounts of mayonnaise continue to spill into Lake Michigan after an explosion at the Kraft Foods factory blasted a hole in a pipeline used to manufacture the sandwich spread. Experts have estimated the greasy white dressing is spewing into the water at the rate of 700,000
GOP Introduces ‘Minority Rules’ Bill
WASHINGTON — The 41 Republican Senators introduced a bill today to create a “minority rules” system, allowing them to impose their unpopular policies with fewer than fifty percent of the vote. “The Democrats have controlled Congress with their elected majorities for too long,”
Republicans Claim Victory in Passing Healthcare Reform
WASHINGTON — In an apparent about-face, members of the Republican party are not only embracing the recently passed healthcare reform legislation as their own, but insisting its success stems from two minor provisions GOP leaders insisted be stricken from the bill on a technicality. The minor provisions,
Voters Disappointed in Scott Brown’s Accomplishments in U.S. Senate
BOSTON — It has been two days since the special election that sent Scott Brown to the Senate to fill the seat once held by Ted Kennedy, and Massachusetts voters have begun expressing their overwhelming disappointment with their new senator’s inability to acccomplish anything. “He hasn’t
Palin Vagina Announces Run for Senate
The vagina of former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced this morning its plan to run for the Senate seat from Alaska in 2010. The vagina said it is no longer associated with Palin, and looks forward to expressing its own views, independent of the former Alaska governor. “I’ve been
Specter Switches Genders
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females. “I have found of late that I am identifying more closely with the women
Obama Says Sale of Virginity Good for Economy
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education
Blagojevich appoints penis to U.S. Senate
CHICAGO – Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has appointed his penis to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. “I am merely executing my duties under the Illinois state constitution,” said Blagojevich. “I hope the allegations against me won’t taint the
Senators Seek to Legalize Bribery, Solicitation of Gay Sex
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senators Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and Larry Craig (R-Idaho) have introduced legislation that would make it legal for elected officials to accept bribes and solicit gay prostitutes in public facilities. The Senators introduced their legislation, S. 846772, the “Bribery and Gay
