WASHINGTON (TheSkunk.org) — Sen. Rand Paul last night ended a 13-hour pissing session on the floor of the Senate chamber. The pissing started at 9:00 am EST, and ended just before 10:00 pm.
“I drank a lot in the morning,” Paul said, “so I could continuously piss all day.”
To keep the stream going, aides to the Kentucky lawmaker repeatedly brought him 1-liter bottles of carbonated water and cups of Starbucks coffee, which he would down voraciously. “He must have drank 300 Trenta mocha lattes and 12 cases of Perrier,” said a spokesperson. “That man is a veritable pissing machine.”
Paul said the purpose of his marathon urination session was to delay the vote on the confirmation of John Brennan as CIA director, by “making the Senate floor really uncomfortable to walk on.”
Paul’s urine completely drenched the ornate carpeting, and the occasional pee splatter on Sen. John McCain’s antique oak desk was enough to cause the wood to warp. The odiferous aroma steaming up from the Tea Party Republican’s yellow-tinted bodily fluid permeated the entre Capitol building, according to those who were unfortunate enough to be there at the time.
Typically, the filibuster, or “bladderbuster,“ as Paul jokingly referred to it, consists of a lengthy, non-stop oratory, but Paul decided to take this unconventional approach, telling reporters, “talk is cheap; urinating on the floor is the best way to get everyone’s attention.”
That attention has presumably been received. Senators will have to wade across pee-soaked carpeting for “quite some time,” noted one insider, because the whole janitorial staff has been furloughed due to the sequester.
WASHINGTON (Skunk Nation) — In a vote that was strictly along party lines, Congress approved legislation this morning that would extend the GOP’s hatred of President Obama for another six months.
“Our party is united as never before,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “We share the same vision for a future where we continue hating President Obama with passion and intensity.”
House Speaker John Boehner expressed his disappointment that not a single Democrat voted for the legislation, known as H.R. 43, the “Extension to Hatred of President Obama Act.”
“This goes to show you how partisan the other side of the aisle is,” Boehner said at a press conference earlier in the day. “Their unwillingness to hate President Obama speaks volumes for where they want to take this country.”
The bill originally set the time table for hating Obama all the way to the end of 2012, just past the next presidential elections, but according to Boehner, “We felt it was important to let the American people know that we still hate him in another six months.”
There is some speculation the real reason for changing the time period was to appease freshmen Tea Party members of Congress, who proposed their own, more radical bill, the “Detestation of the Negro in the White House Act,” sponsored by Rep. Allen West, Florida’s first black GOP Congressman since the nineteenth century. But West insisted this document was his personal manifesto, and not intended for a vote on the House floor.
Republican leaders have hailed passage of the “Hate Obama” bill as a major step forward in their hatred of the President.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded to have a full Senate vote within 24-hours, saying it would be “the single most important piece of legislation passed by this body in the last 200 years.”
“What we really need is to change the Constitution,” noted McConnell, who said he plans to introduce the “Hate Obama Amendment” later in the summer. “It’s the only way for everyone to agree we all hate Obama, without bringing it up for a vote every six months.”
With the Democrats holding the majority in the Senate, however, it is unlikely the legislation would pass the upper chamber. Even if it did make it through the Senate, Obama has threatened to veto it, unless a provision is included that would require the Tea Party members to “Shut the Fuck Up.”
“Before I approve legislation expressing hatred of myself,” added the President, “I need to make sure it’s fair and balanced on both sides.”
NORTHFIELD, IL — Vast amounts of mayonnaise continue to spill into Lake Michigan after an explosion at the Kraft Foods factory blasted a hole in a pipeline used to manufacture the sandwich spread. Experts have estimated the greasy white dressing is spewing into the water at the rate of 700,000 jars per day.
Hundreds of egrets, blue herons and cranes that make their homes in and around the lake have been immobilized on the shores, their feathers completely drenched with the tasty blend of emulsified vegetable oil and egg yolks.
Environmentalists are working around the clock to save the birds, painstakingly cleaning each feather before releasing the fouls back into the wild. The task is arduous and exhausting. “You ever try wiping mayo off a piece of bread?” asked Thomas Loungerelle, a volunteer with the Audubon Society. “That’s kind of what we’re doing, only the bread is really nasty smelling and you gotta wear gloves ’cause you might catch a horrible disease or something…”
In a press conference, President Obama called the spill an “environmental catastrophe.”
“We all agree on the need to break our mayonnaise dependency from countries such as Japan, Germany and Holland, and find new sources of the delicious, creamy sauce here at home,” said the President, “but we must do it in a responsible manner, and not at the expense of destroying our environment.”
A spokesperson for Kraft said his company is using all its resources to prevent the mayo from spreading further, including stocking the lake with thousands of tuna fish.
“We’re hoping the tuna will absorb the mayonnaise,” explained Vice President Myron Kepplehorn. “If it works — aside from creating some very fat fish — everything should get back to normal in a matter of weeks — that is, if we can figure out where all this mayonnaise is coming from and how to stop it.”
Obama called the response from the food giant “woefully insufficient,” and said he will be creating a new position of Condiment Czar to find out what went wrong and prevent such mishaps in the future.
“I have asked Congress to remove mayonnaise oversight from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,” he said, “and put it into the hands of someone more experienced in these types of investigations.”
That “experienced someone” is none other than lame-duck Senator Arlen Specter, who the President has appointed to run the new department.
Specter — who achieved notoriety in the 1960s for devising the “single-bullet theory” to explain how one lone gunman could fire six shots from three different directions within five seconds to kill the hopes and dreams of 250 million Americans — has already reached some startling conclusions.
The five-term senator announced that while much of the public believes Hellman’s and Best Foods are two completely different mayonnaises, he has successfully determined that they are “one and the same product.”
“And hopefully,” he added, “we’ll figure out what the hell Miracle Whip is.”
WASHINGTON — The 41 Republican Senators introduced a bill today to create a “minority rules” system, allowing them to impose their unpopular policies with fewer than fifty percent of the vote.
“The Democrats have controlled Congress with their elected majorities for too long,” declared Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With the passage of ‘Minority Rules,’ our party’s failed strategies on financial reform and deregulation of commerce and industry will become the law of the land.”
S. 55221, the “Only 41 Votes Needed to Pass Anything Act,” goes up for a vote before the full senate next week.
Pundits have disagreed as to whether the new law would pass judicial muster. “We’ve anticipated the possibility of court challenges brought on by the so-called ‘Majority of Americans,'” explained McConnell. “That’s why this bill also allows Supreme Court cases to be decided by only four of the nine justices.”
If passed by the Senate, the bill would head over to the House of Representatives, which is working on its own version. H.R. 26553, the “John Boehner Decides it All,” bill would require only the vote of John Boehner to pass legislation in the house.
“Our bill saves taxpayers over $300 million by not holding wasteful hearings and debates,” according to House minority leader, John Boehner. “Since I already know what’s right for the American people, we can forgo all that liberal voting nonsense.”
“With Minority Rules,” added McConnell, “Americans will no longer be bullied by a select group of individuals who conspire to shape legislation by voting together to surpass the fifty percent mark.”
All 57 Democratic and two Independent senators said they plan to vote against the bill, prompting McConnell to call their reaction “predictable.”
“Once again, the majority wants to dictate which laws pass and which don’t,” he said. “If the majority wants to impose its will by voting as a majority to defeat ‘Minority Rules,’ the minority of Americans will let their voices be heard in November, by sending the minority back to Congress.”
WASHINGTON — In an apparent about-face, members of the Republican party are not only embracing the recently passed healthcare reform legislation as their own, but insisting its success stems from two minor provisions GOP leaders insisted be stricken from the bill on a technicality.
The minor provisions, dealing with Pell grants for low-income college students, were deemed to be improperly included in the so-called “fix-it” bill after being brought to the attention of the parliamentarian by Senate Republicans, and were subsequently deleted.
Although the bill passed both houses of Congress without a single Republican vote, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell claimed victory at a fundraiser last night. “With the deletion of these two wayward provisions,” he declared, “we at last have affordable health care for all Americans.”
House Minority Leader John Boehner expressed his dismay at the way Democrats are “trying to take credit” for the job the Senate Republicans did in finding the errant provisions.
“Will we let the Democrats claim victory, when it was the Republicans who reshaped the legislation with the discovery of this technicality?” asked Boehner. “Hell No!”
In a CNN interview, RNC Chairman Michael Steele told Larry King that the deletion of the two provisions is “the result of Republican ideas and conservative values.” He predicted Democrats will have a “tough time” in the upcoming midterms elections “once the remaining, properly included provisions of this historic Republican health care package kick in and sick people are getting healthy.”
In a letter on his website McConnell explained to constituents who are suffering with life threatening conditions, that their health insurance companies can no longer drop them due to the “historic Republican deletions of two minor provisions, which led to the passage of major health care reform in this country.”
McConnell said that were it not for the Republicans, the Democrats would have let the legislation pass with the two minor provisions still intact. President Obama, he noted, had no problem in keeping the provisions in the bill, even though they did not pass parliamentary muster.
“The Obama administration is a failed presidency,” added Boehner. “I believe that’s the last black president we’ll see for several centuries.”
Confused Tea Party members have gathered in Washington D.C. to figure out what position to take. “We’re basically against the legislation — I think,” said one member, “but, I suppose we’ll be giving this whole issue another look.”
Violence against elected officials has died down, as the nation’s vandals wrestle with determining which party deserves bricks hurled through the windows of its field offices.
“With health care reform under our belt,” McConnell told reporters, “the GOP looks forward to devising more innovative ways to take credit for not passing legislation to meet the challenges facing future generations of Americans.”
BOSTON — It has been two days since the special election that sent Scott Brown to the Senate to fill the seat once held by Ted Kennedy, and Massachusetts voters have begun expressing their overwhelming disappointment with their new senator’s inability to acccomplish anything.
“He hasn’t introduced any new legislation or voted on a single important issue facing the United States,” said Ted Bashin, President of the New England Voters Action Committee. “This is not the change Massachusetts voters were looking for.”
Bashin noted that Brown doesn’t even have an office in Washington or a staff to assist him.
An editorial in the Boston Globe asserted that Brown has “proven himself to be the most ineffective senator in the history of the United States, and he has done so in the shortest period of time ever.”
“He said he was going to ‘hit the ground running,’” noted one disheartened Bostonian, “but so far he hasn’t done any hitting or running. I regret voting for him.”
Bashin characterizes Brown’s lack of accomplishment as “stunning.”
“We were all taken in by the smoke and mirrors of his campaign,” said Bashin, who admitted voting for Brown, “but in the end, he’s just another ‘do nothing’ senator.”
The vagina of former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced this morning its plan to run for the Senate seat from Alaska in 2010.
The vagina said it is no longer associated with Palin, and looks forward to expressing its own views, independent of the former Alaska governor.
“I’ve been speaking on her behalf for the last forty years,” explained the vagina, who will be entering the senatorial race as an independent candidate. “It’s time for me to strike out on my own.”
Working behind-the-scenes, the vagina alleges it wrote and edited virtually every one of Palin’s speeches without receiving “so much as a tiny mention” on her Twitter page.
“The media dissected every word that came out of her mouth,” noted the vagina, who claims it was also the brains behind the ‘I can see Russia from my backyard’ sound bite, “yet, no one had a clue it was all conceived by me.”
The vagina said it became disheartened with Palin when people started confusing them with one another.
“When people started calling her by my name,” lamented the vagina, “that was it. Sometimes they’d qualify it by adding words like ‘skanky’ or ‘crazy’ – but she never once acknowledged my contributions.”
If elected, the Senator’s first order of business would be filing a lawsuit requiring Palin to use her own words and “stop repeating everything I say.”
“Sarah’s understanding of the world came from my lips to her ears,” asserted the vagina. “Yet did she ever show appreciation? Okay, maybe once on a very long plane trip to New York – but aside from that, not even a ‘thank you.’”
WASHINGTON — Following his surprising switch to the Democratic Party, Senator Arlen Specter announced on Monday that he will no longer identify with the male gender, and will be joining the ranks of congressional females.
“I have found of late that I am identifying more closely with the women in the Senate than the men,” said Specter, “and I am proud to stand here today as one of them.”
The U.S. Senate Women’s Caucus said they would consider admitting Specter to their ranks, but only if he undergoes a “full and complete transformation.”
“We want the senator to do more than merely dress the part,” said Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). “Sure, we appreciate the taffeta ensemble with the bold prints, but we’ll need to see a complete physical transformation before we accept him into our exclusive group.”
Some of Feinstein’s colleagues weren’t so subtle. “Cock or caucus, you can’t have it both ways,” said Claire McCaskill (D-MO). “The choice is his — or hers… whatever…”
Specter agreed to the condition, but cautioned that just becuase he will commit himself to an extreme gender makeover doesn’t mean he will always side with the other females in Congress. He insisted his Senate record will continue to reflect his independence.
“Even after the hormones kick in,” said Specter, “I’ll be voting the issues based on my morals, not my breasts.”
WASHINGTON — Citing his campaign theme that good ideas can come from anywhere, President-elect Barack Obama praised coed Natalie Dylan for auctioning off her virginity to pay her college tuition. He said the 22-year-old’s plan will be a model for both his administration’s education and economic policies.
“Ms. Dylan has paved the way for every young virgin to afford to go to college, while helping our distressed economy at the same time,” said Obama in an interview on CNN. He noted that the bidding for Dylan’s cherry had already exceeded $3 million. “We can tax the proceeds of her stimulus package to pay for ours.”
The Government Accounting Office estimates that there will be between 10-12 million college bound virgins in 2009, and that if just 5 percent of those were to receive $1 million dollars or more for the sale of their virginity, the country would make a full economic recovery.
The proposal has received overwhelming, bi-partisan support from rich old men in the senate.
“My message to the virgins of America is clear,” said the President-elect. “You have an opportunity to get a first-rate education, while helping future generations live a better tomorrow. Don’t give it away.”
Obama has initiated a national “Don’t Give it Away” campaign to promote the policy.