HYANNIS PORT, MA — Conspiracy theories have surrounded the Kennedy family for over forty years, so it was not too surprsing when researchers, at odds over whether Senator Ted Kennedy’s brain tumor originated from the back of his head or the top of his forehead, stirred up a new one.
“The government wants us to believe that the tumor grew from the rear of his brain and travelled forward,” said Weldon Wright, a biochemical engineer and expert on the Kennedy family. “But if you look at the MRI images of his head, taken just before and after his seizures, it shows the tumor starting in the frontal lobe and moving toward the posterior skull. It’s clear evidence of a cover-up.”
Others in the malignant tumor conspiracy community vehemently disagree. “I have no reason to doubt the government’s official account of the tumor,” said Bill Tilden, a physics professor and expert on the Kennedy family. “What’s more troubling is that these images, allegedly released by the government, have been digitally altered by either the CIA or Raul Castro. The tumor as depicted in these photos is not where the doctors said it was.”
“I guess we’ll never know for sure until they get to the autopsy,” said Wright. “God, I hope they don’t botch it this time.”
President Bush announced the formation of a committee, headed by Senator Arlen Specter, to investigate the matter. Specter, who served as an attorney for the Warren Commission, and is experienced in both cancer and Kennedy conspiracy theories, said that his committee will “once and for all determine whether Senator Kennedy’s tumor is the result of a single carcinogen, or the act of multiple carcinogens.”