PHILADELPHIA, PA — In the latest rhetorical gaffe for the Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Senator Joe Biden claimed victory for his ticket a full two days before the general elections.
“Relax,” said Biden to supporters at a rally in front of Independence Hall, “we’re ahead by ten points. There’s no reason to sweat getting to the polls on Tuesday, we’ve already got this thing wrapped up.”
An uneasy silence fell upon the stunned crowd, as Biden elaborated on his comments. “As much as we appreciate your votes, I think it’s safe to say they’re superfluous at this point. The election is as much a formality as it is a foregone conclusion. CNN’s electoral map is covered in blue, so you might as well stay home on Tuesday. As we used to say in Scranton — it’s party time!”
Within minutes of the comment, Obama staffers abruptly escorted Biden off the stage and into a nearby van, which sped away in an unknown direction.
An announcement came over the public address system asking the supporters to stick around, stating that an emergency call had been placed to the Clintons to finish the rally, but the crowd had already dispersed.
No one has heard from Biden since, but an Obama spokesperson has assured reporters that he is being held safely in an undisclosed location. “Senator Biden is being fed regularly,” said the spokesperson, “and allowed to sleep on a king size mattress, with plenty of linens.”
A homemade video of Biden speaking into the camera was subsequently released to confirm the senator’s condition, but the audio was removed, so there is no way to verify when the video was actually taken.