I reckon she’s a-gonna last long enough for us to get a-plenty hungry. We already begun eatin’ cah-yoots instead of yer more expensive main staples, side-winders and jackalopes. Dang, I miss chawin’ a good jackalope antler…
— Bob Galford,
Retired Crossing Guard,
Amarillo, TX
SHIGATSE, TIBET -– A Buddhist monk accidentally set himself on fire Friday, as an admiring group of followers cheered him on. The monk was cooking
WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, 75, agreed to pose nude for “The Women of the Supreme Court” calendar, a project designed to raise awareness for women’s cancer.
“Yes, but with my hemorrhaging lungs and liver rankled with cancer from a lifetime of breathing, I welcome this new generation of pollutants — they afford a more balanced exposure to toxicity than in the past.”
–Susan Parks,
Manager, Mario’s Adult Videoland and Daycare
Detroit, MI
DENVER — A Colorado motorist was given a citation from a local law enforcement officer for leaving his car parked at a curbside meter several minutes after the time had expired.
NEW YORK — Descendants of legendary scammer Charles Ponzi (1882-1949) sued Bernard Madoff today for infringing on the rights to their patriarch’s proprietary system of bilking money from innocent investors.
Once a highly-ranked, card-carrying Jew, Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest financial scam in history, has been reduced in rank to Arab.
HARDENBERG, KS — Circuit City has sold the last of its broken shit at amazing discounts of up to 50%. The electronics retailer is being liquidated after declaring bankruptcy last year.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican National Committee filed for bankruptcy today in the U.S. Court of Ideas, citing decades of doctrines that don’t work and an inability to generate new thoughts and workable models for society.
DENVER — The way out of the country’s economic woes is to let citizens print their own money, said President Barack Obama to a cheering crowd of unemployed construction workers in the Mile High City.
