WASHINGTON, DC — A new report from the White House indicates that 93% of Americans currently have jobs, superseding previous accounts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics that 7% were out of work.
“In only two weeks, we have gone from 7% unemployment to 93% employment,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-California). “This can only be attributed to the hope and optimism President Obama has brought to the American people.”
In a press conference, President Obama praised Americans for working together to turn the numbers around. “It speaks to the indomitable American spirit,” said Obama, “that we can go from single digit unemployment to double digit employment almost overnight.”
Republicans, however, would not relinquish credit for the turnaround. “These new employment figures are a result of the Republican tax cuts under the Bush administration,” said minority leader Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). “It’s shameful that the tax-and-spend Democrats desire to take credit for our booming employment rate.”
The White House released more encouraging data regarding jobs at the top U.S. companies, noting that retailer Best Buy has retained a “whopping” 87.5% of its workforce, while ConocoPhillips reported an incredible 96% of its employees are still on its payroll. Delta Airlines announced it would discourage no less than 92% of their workers from taking an early retirement, and Walgreen intends to issue paychecks to a substantial 91% of its staff.
Following up on the positive news on the economy, President Obama is expected to announce later today that a majority of Americans will not be called into service in Iraq.