Nationwide Theft of Fleet Enemas Sign of Struggling Economy, Mass Constipation

Stolen Fleet Enemas

ST. PAUL ( — Fleet Enemas are being  stolen from store shelves across the country by the thousands.  Over the past six months, the iconic green and white, oblong boxes have been reportedly pilfered from hundreds of retailers nationwide. The thefts have left many experts scratching their heads. Some say that enema plundering is a symptom of the continuing recession, but others conclude that Americans just aren’t pooping the way they did during the Clinton years.

At least, that’s the hypothesis of Professor Jane Populianna, head of the Sociology Department at the University of Minnesota. “Dysfunctional politics, uncertainty in the economy, rising gas prices – these things are so stressful, people don’t have the will to go to work anymore,” said Populianna, “and neither do their intestines.”

“Is it a crime to let poor people steal enemas?” asked Populianna.  “Perhaps, but it’s probably more of a crime not to let them clean out their bowels once in a while. ”

Civil rights leader Jesse Jackson agreed. “When you can’t afford to eat, you still need to excrete.”

Most of the stolen enemas are believed to be used in illegal drug deals.

A new- in-the-box enema can sell on street for anywhere from two to fifteen dollars; used ones, slightly less. That’s why police refer to them as the new currency of the drug trade.

“These little plastic squeeze bottles pre-filled with anal lubricant have become like gold to a junkie,” said Detective Martin Lassen of the Miami Police Department. “Hard core dealers won’t accept cash anymore, but they will take a case of disposable enemas – preferably the multi-packs.”

Retailers Walgreens and CVS have started to keep the product locked up with the cigarettes and condoms. “Sure, it’s a little embarrassing to have to ask the clerk for an enema,” said Harvey Cranton, who manages a local Walgreens, “but at least you’re going to know they’re available when you need them, and not stuck up the ass of some crack whore in Milwaukee.”

Cranton said the thefts have reduced drastically since keeping the enemas under lock and key.

“We don’t want our store to be cleaned out,” he added. “Just our customers.”