OTTAWA — Dissatisfied with the stimulus package that made its way through Congress and the lack of conservative input contained therein, Republican senators voted unanimously over the weekend to give tax breaks to Canadians.
“Since we were unable to convince our colleagues or a majority of Americans that reducing taxes for the wealthy is the best way to stimulate the economy,” explained Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “we decided to take matters into our own hands, by giving tax breaks to wealthy Canadian businessmen.”
According to McConnell, the tax breaks will create a hiring binge the likes of which the Canucks have never known. “Since Canada is a sparsely populated country,” he said, “employers will soon run out of qualified workers and begin hiring Americans.”
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) agreed. “While the Democrats’ proposals will tailspin our economy into the depths of hell,” said the former presidential candidate, “this legislation will bring ten to twelve million American jobs to our neighbors to the North.”
“And when those American workers follow the jobs to Canada,” added McConnell, “the homes they leave behind will be returned directly to the lenders, circumventing the costly and cumbersome foreclosure process, and putting billions of dollars back into the hands of the American banker.”
“My country ’tis of thee,” sang McCain, “but Canada for the economy.”
The Canadian government thanked the senators for their kind thoughts, but declined the offer, explaining they would be instituting their own stimulus-recovery package: “We buy everyone in the country a round of beer,” explained a member of the House of Commons, “and let them pee in the street.”
“It’s the Canadian Trickle Down Theory,” said the legislator. “But in our version, at least everyone gets a Molson, eh?”
Undaunted, the Republicans have regrouped and are proposing tax rebates for all of Iceland.