WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today approving the use of “Sandwich Boarding” to extract information from suspected terrorists.
In this novel interrogation technique, captured terror suspects are forced to wear a sandwich board — a type of double panel sign that fits over one’s body, thus turning that person into an advertising “sandwich” — with printed text hyping a local business or new real estate project.
“As I sign this document,” said the President in a ceremony in the Rose Garden, “it will be clear to the world that the United States upholds its values and does not torture.”
The detainees will be required to work full eight-hour shifts, five days a week, standing on a street corner in high visibility areas. “They will be given the requisite lunch breaks and days off as a required by law,” said a spokesperson for the White House. “We don’t need to compromise our principles as Americans by breaking labor statute to get the information we need.”
CIA Director Leon Panetta said that this new approach should garner a significant amount of intelligence, while treating suspects in a manner consistent with the accords of the Geneva Convention.
The tactic is not without its own controversy. The Sandwich Board Union and the Association of Real Estate Sign Spinners issued a statement condemning the practice, insisting it would “give terrorists jobs that should go to our members.”
But initial test results are hard to dispute.
Alleged Bin-Laden henchman, Adu Bhabui, suspected of charging the camcorder batteries and cell phones used by Al Qaida, was ordered to the corner of Wilshire and Fairfax Boulevards in Los Angeles California, where he wore a sandwich board that directed passersby to a condominium development down the road.
Although Bhabui refused to divulge any significant intelligence, after five weeks of this grueling work, the luxury townhouses sold out.
Next up for the terror suspect will be a flight to an undisclosed city, where he will be sandwich-boarded in front of a 24-hour Wal-Mart, and required by CIA interrogators to offer consumers a five-dollar discount for the Digital Photo Center.
“Fucking animals!” said Bhabui, signaling that he may be ready to talk. “I’d rather be shoved up a camel’s ass.”