DENVER — A Colorado woman was accused of changing her husband’s Sleep Number on the couple’s adjustable Select Comfort mattress. Arlene Gimbleman had bought the king-size bed five years earlier as a gift for her spouse, whose lower back had been giving him problems since childhood.
At first, Ted Gimbleman was not impressed with the “expensive cot” his wife had purchased. But he soon found that by merely adjusting the bed’s firmness settings, he could make his back symptoms disappear, allowing him to awaken every morning virtually pain-free.
Last Saturday, however, he awoke with a sore sacroiliac, and he knew immediately the controls had been tampered with.
“My side of the bed was always a 76,” said a distraught Gimbleman. “Firm and supportive, yet with enough give to fill the delicate contours of my frame. Then I wake up one morning to find it’s now a 33.”
According to the manufacturer, the change could not have happened by accident. “Once a comfort level is entered into the control unit, it’s locked in,” said a spokesperson. “You can drop it, step on it, set it on fire — the Sleep Number stays right where it is until it’s changed by the user.”
Mr. Gimbleman agreed. “It was a deliberate, calculated attempt to inflict discomfort upon my person,” he said, adding that all the evidence pointed to his wife as the perpetrator. “She had the opportunity and the motive.”
Mrs. Gimbleman denied any involvement in the incident, proffering her own theory instead. “Maybe the dial just changed itself,” she said. “Maybe the bed just got a little sick and tired of that gorilla’s continual, incessant snoring every night and thought changing the number would silence that grotesque racket so the mattress could get a good night’s sleep. Huh, you ever think about that?”
Mr. Gimbleman claimed there was nothing the gorilla could do about his snoring. “Adenoids,” he said. “Mr. Gorilla told her when she married him that he had enlarged adenoids, causing him to make little noises when he sleeps.”
“‘Little noises’? I’d get more sleep with the percussion section of the New York Philharmonic performing in bed.”
“Maybe if Mrs. Gorilla did some of her own performing in bed, Mr. Gorilla would sleep a little quieter.”
“Maybe if Mr. Gorilla’s other organ were as large as his adenoids, Mrs. Gorilla might give a hoot.”
Police arrived at the Gimbleman’s house later that day, after neighbors reported hearing gunfire. Officers discovered that both of their Sleep Number control units had been fired upon. The Gimblemans, who denied any knowledge of the shooting, were arrested and taken to the police station. They were later released.
The District Attorney’s office refused to prosecute the case, calling it “a matter between people who have been married way too long.”
The Gimblemans have recently filed for divorce, citing “irreconcilable comfort levels.”