McCain Wants Own Library Despite Never Being President
SEDONA, AZ — Senator John McCain today announced plans to build his own presidential library, despite the fact that he is not — and has never been — the president.
Month: 15 years ago
Should the City of Los Angeles pay for Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service?
“I think the Jackson family should be required to pay everyone in Los Angeles $5000 each. Plus each resident gets to choose one Jackson to provide naked housecleaning services. You listening, Tito?”
— Benjamin Colt,
Santa Clarita, CA
UPS Man Disappointed in Career Choice
BALTIMORE — Deliveryman Henry Zulligan said he regrets the decision he made after graduating high school that put him behind the wheel of a brown UPS truck every day for the past twenty-six years.
What causes crop circles?
“I think it’s when the crops don’t get enough sleep… or maybe they’re just waking up too early.”
— Salvatore Blum,
Medical Marijuana Distributor,
Grand Rapids, MI
Dermatologist Repulsed by Teenager’s Zit
BEVERLY HILLS — A popular dermatologist was repulsed by a particularly gross looking acne blemish on the face of one of his teenage patients.
Termites Devour Dutch Shoe Factory; Fraud Suspected
NETHERLANDS — An invasion of termites that completely devoured the inventory of the Clicken Cläcken Wooden Shoe Factory in Amsterdam is being investigated as a criminal act.
Premature Ejaculator Gets Second Date
PITTSBURGH — High school senior Sean Allwinter prematurely ejaculated in his pants last Friday while on a first date with classmate Brenda Hendricks. Now she has agreed to go out with him again.
What are You Looking Forward to in the New Television Season?
“Live coverage of my drug trial on Court TV, the death of Larry King, and the subsequent memorial they’ll have for him at Madison Square Garden.”
— Mrs. Belinda Preuss,
School Psychologist,
Bloomington, Indiana
Moviegoer Unwilling to Suspend His Disbelief
SAN DIEGO — Collin McArthur has never enjoyed going to a movie because he finds the characters and stories on the screen completely unbelievable, calling the whole experience “just a big waste of time.”
Cheap Bastards Unaffected by Recession
WASHINGTON, DC — While the shaky economy has forced most Americans to cut back on their day-to-day living expenses, the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis reported that cheap bastards carry on as though nothing has changed.
