SALEM, OR – NFL expansion team, the “Fighting Bulldogs” – who have been struggling every season to fill their stadium — have signed a two-year, $500 million dollar deal with disgraced quarterback Michael Vick, the former football star who served 19 months in federal prison for his conviction on running a dogfighting ring.
While acknowledging that Vick will need a great deal of extra training and conditioning to regain the speed and precision he was known for prior to his conviction, franchise executives claim that whatever the Fighting Bulldogs end up investing to get Vick back into shape will be well worth it.
“What are the odds that we’d have a quarterback who’s actually fought bulldogs?” said team owner, Kent Marlo. “Who cares if he can’t throw a ball anymore? You can’t buy this kind of publicity.”
“This is a man who walks the walk,” declared GM Tony Tercel. “How many of the Pittsburgh Steelers have ever even set foot in a real steel mill?”
“And while New York has some big players,” said Marlo, “none of them could really be considered ‘giant,’ now, could they?”
“I think one of the Tampa Bay players had a grandfather who was a pirate,” added Tercel, “but he was a ‘Privateer’ and not a ‘Buccaneer.’”
Marlo exclaimed that Vick is to the Fighting Bulldogs, what Pocahontas is to the Redskins. “That is, what she would be if she were alive today,” he explained, “and if she were a man and if she played football – well, you know what I mean!”
To promote the Vick acquisition, the team’s opening home game will be “Family Dog Day.” The first five thousand fans with paid admissions will receive a free toy dog that has been ripped in half and had one of its eyes removed.
“If you’re lucky,” said Tercel, “Michael might even autograph it for you after the game.”